How to go From Conflict to Resolution in a Relationship
When something upsets you, it is perfectly normal for you to feel angry about it. There is a way, however, for you to resolve the conflict without you or your partner flying off the handle. In this video, John Gray, the author of "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus", shares tips to help you move past the issue in a calm and healthy way.
One technique that men can use to help extinguish a heated situation with their partner is to let the woman talk through the issue and listen closely to what she says. Let her tell you how she feels and ask questions to help you understand those feelings. Let her know that you hear her and agree to end the conversation there.
Women feel better when they talk things out but the same usually can't be said for men. Because women find relief in talking about the issue, they think that men will feel better once they talk, too. It is important that women don't push their men to talk about his feelings. When you agree to end the conversation, give each other space and move forward with positivity.
Another mistake that many women make is submitting to the man and placing all of the blame on themselves. When a woman does this, she is giving up her authentic self in order to nourish the man. This attempt at calming him down only hurts him in the long run because it doesn't help him manage his anger. It only destroys the equality of the relationship.
Biologically, when a man is angry, his testosterone turns into estrogen, filling his brain with emotion and making it difficult to think clearly. Next, the blood goes to the limbic system or "the monkey brain". This middle part of the brain is full of mirror cells. These mirror cells will cause him to reflect whatever he sees. This results in a ping pong game with his partner. If she has 5 complaints about him, then he has 5 complaints about her. It goes back and forth, making everything worse.
So what can men do to combat this issue? He can listen to his partner and make her feel safe to tell him how she feels. Next, he can do something to increase his testosterone. He can do pushups, meditate, watch a football game... anything to distract his attention away from whatever is upsetting him. Once he is feeling better, he can go back to his partner with love and understanding. After a fight, she might be worried that he doesn't love her anymore. He should show her affection and kindness and they can move forward with the knowledge that they overcame a conflict together. Their conflict resolution skills will get better and better, strengthening the relationship.
When a conflict arises...try to stay cool and listen to each other. Agree to take a step back and not let things blow up. Understand that you probably have different methods for dealing with your emotions. Men must understand that women need to talk about their feelings and women must understand that men might not want to talk about theirs. You can resolve the conflict together without letting anger get the best of you.
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