Is Valentine's Day a "Hallmark Holiday" or an opportunity to show your significant other how much she means to you? After asking countless men, both answers were given about equally. But, there was a few points that men agreed on in droves.
Here are those points:
1. If I do nothing on Valentine's Day I am in the doghouse
2. I don't like feeling forced to do something for my gf/wife, I would like to do it at random when I WANT TO DO IT!
Ladies - The men have spoken. This is how they feel.
What should you do to alleviate your man's stress?
Early Relationship - Tell him, "No matter what we do on valentine's day, as long as we are together I will be happy" - Take the pressure off of him. Set the bar of making you happy so low that he feels like he can't fail. Once the pressure is off, he will feel stress free and then have the freedom to plan something special if he wants to.
IMPORTANT - Talk to your significant other about your expectations for valentine's day. If you hate the holiday, tell him. Also review my article on love languages to ensure you and your significant other understand precisely how you like to be loved. Whether you prefer gifts, acts of service, words of appreciation, quality time, or touching.
What if you are single?
Let's get you a man. Setup your 15 minute phone call with me now. Here is a link to my calendar, book an appointment and let's work together so that in 2017 and every year there after you have a Valentine!
Who am I?
Mike Goldstein is a dating coach who helps clients through one-on-one coaching and currently has 6 clients married with 7 children between them. He has been featured on the Today Show, NJ.com, Patti Knows of Millionaire Matchmaker, and Shape Magazine. 83% of Mike's clients enter relationships during coaching and he currently has 100% client satisfaction.
When you are upset and love someone, emotions are high and it can be very difficult to have a calm rational discussion. For most of us, logic goes out the window, defenses kick in and listening, understanding, and real solutions rarely take place.
In my opinion, once the train is off the tracks it is very difficult to re-rail it. Unfortunately, you just need to let the crash happen and then pick up the pieces after. However, many of these train collisions can be easily avoided.
Here are the steps:
1. Disregard Fights on Topics That Are Not Important - Life is too short, Enjoy each other
2. If you must Fight, If the topic is Not Important, Even if you know you are right, tell the other person they are right and let them "win"
3. Discuss Plans to Avoid Fights (Perform this When Happy With Each Other)
For example: When I get mad, I need to be far away from the person and when I am ready to chat with that person, my emotions will be back at normal levels and I will be able to have a loving conversation. Thus, if I notice I am getting mad, I will tell my gf, "I love you, I am getting upset, I am going to head to the gym and once I cool down we can discuss this"
If I told her this in the midst of an argument, she would probably not be happy that I was leaving while she wants to talk. Fortunately, we have discussed prior to our fight that I am not capable of being her loving, caring, active listening boyfriend when I am mad. Thus, she knows it is best for both of us if she waits to have our hard conversations when I am more open to truly listening to her.
Another example of a fight I have had is the following: My girlfriend hates when I look at my phone during our quality time together. I totally agree with her that my behavior is annoying but unfortunately it is a habit at this point. But, together we came up with a solution.
If she is really getting bothered by it, she is going to ask me to have the 10 foot rule. This means I put my phone 10 feet away and thus will only go get it if I truly need it for something, not to google why glue doesn't stick inside the container.
On her side, if she sees me using my phone, she will occasionally pick hers up and read articles. These two solution for the phone are new so I will keep you posted if they work.
In order to reiterate, attempt to have serious discussions only when both parties are in the right mental state to have the discussion, avoid fighting on minute topics, and finally if a fight happens on an inconsequential topic let the other person "win".
Different people speak different languages when it comes to love. The key is understanding what languages your partner speaks, then fulfilling them the right way.
My girlfriend, for example, wants to spend time with me while I just want her to tell me she loves me. Between dates at the beginning of our relationship I would constantly tell her how amazing she is and that I was crazy about her. Although she appreciated the words, it was more meaningful to her if I went into NYC on a Wednesday night for couples BYOB painting class. (Great date by the way!)
The point is, every person has different preferences when it comes to showing and receiving love. Below are 5 love languages discussed in a book I read by Gary Chapman to help you determine what your 2 primary languages are.
1. Words of Affirmation
Encouragement - friends says "I want to lose weight." You say, "If you decide to do it I know you will succeed because you are the kind of person who accomplishes goals."
Praise - "you did an excellent job"
Kind Words - what we say and manner in which we say it. Ex: "I love you vs. I love you?" People interpret our message by our tone of voice, not the words we use.
2. Physical Touch - Self explanatory
3. Quality Time
Sympathetic Listener -
Do: maintain eye contact, ask questions,
Don't: provide solutions, roll eyes, take person's topic and talk about how it relates to you
Express Understanding - "I can see how you would feel that way. If I were in your shoes, I'm sure I would feel the same way"
Ask If you could do anything helpful
4. Acts of Service
Do these things because you want to, not because you’re forced
5. Gifts
If you are a saver and your partner is a spender. You must spend as an investment in your love for her.
Next Steps:
I would suggest implementing the love languages by first determining what your parent’s are. Once you determine that, you can attempt to speak their language and see how it affects your relationship with them.
For example, if your father is words of affirmation, thank him for being an amazing dad the next time you speak to him and see how he reacts to your compliment.
Moving forward, I would suggest in all relationships (business, personal, or love) figure out what language the person speaks and attempt to fulfill those needs. In return watch all your relationships blossom.
