No one likes confrontation. We all wish life could be rainbows and butterflies 24/7, but no one is perfect and relationships are not going to be either.
I was sitting down with a friend, and she said, "Mike, I have been dating a guy for 3 months and he is great, but one thing is really bothering me."
"What is bothering you?" - Me
"We make plans, but he is consistently late." - Friend
Well funny enough, I am usually late so this is a problem my girlfriend constantly has to deal with. Thus, I've instructed my girlfriend how to get me to show up on time. Yes, I know that she is using my own little trick on me, and YES IT STILL WORKS!
So, last Friday my girlfriend needed me to be somewhere at 8PM on the dot: We could not be late. She called my on Friday morning and said, "Mike, you will make me the happiest woman alive if you picked me up at 7:15 on the dot so we can be on time at 8PM"
I said, "Sounds good I will be there"
I showed up to her door at 7:13 and she practically jumped me and said, "Thank you so much for being on time. You are the best boyfriend in the world!"
I lit up like a Christmas tree and felt great about myself.
I felt like, I am capable of making my girlfriend happy. Most importantly, I felt like my girlfriend was easy to make happy. All I needed to do was show up on time and all of a sudden I was the best guy on the planet. Now, if I have a girlfriend that is easy to make happy, that is someone I could consider spending the rest of my life with.
However, in contrast, a girlfriend that gets flowers, or a big ring, or is even taken to dinner and does not appreciate the gift or effort is setting herself up for failure. Men do not want to commit to marriage unless they are 100% sure that they are going to be able to keep their woman happy for eternity. Thus, it is vital to appreciate men for the little things they do and make them feel like they are a superhero - at least in your eyes.
If making you happy is simple,the decision of proposing will be too.
Dear Mike,
Hello, So I am in college and there is a guy I am interested in. When first talking to him I told him he would have to work to get me and that I am not just interested in sex and he said he understood and would work for me. So one day he asked me to come over to his dormitory after three hours of debating on whether i should go or not I finally went. We watched a movie while talking about relationships. I told him my views on relationships is that a guy should make a effort to get to know a girl first before sex, and that they should be in a relationship first before having sex. His response was that he believes in having sex with a girl first then getting to know each other. I did not fall for this and kept debating my opinion. After the debate I left and based on our conversation I decided to text him this: I was interested in u that's why I came to your room to have a conversation with you to see where your head was at. I respect the type of mentality that you have and your views on certain things but you're not what I am looking for. I know my worth and I love and respect myself enough to not fall for your mentality. I hope you find what you're looking for but it's not me. His response: Say no more ( Which is basically saying I understand or respect that) At the time I didn't understand what his response meant (until a friend told me the urban dictionary definition for it) so I took it as he wanted to stop talking to me and I didn't respond back. Now every time we see each other he just stares at me and we work at the same job I catch him constantly looking at me but he doesn't say anything. My question basically is, why does he keep staring at me but doesn't say anything?
Linita
Linita,
The guy is looking at you because you are the girl he didn't get to sleep with. He is probably attracted to you, but he is not attracted and intrigued enough to put in the effort of getting to know you and possibly dating you. Basically, you are hot enough for him to look at, but not hot enough for him to put in the effort.
He is not willing to put in the effort because he is either 1) not interested in a relationship 2) for some reason not interested in a relationship with you.
On a positive note, at least you saved A LOT OF TIME and possibly heart break by NOT spending adequate enough time to sleep together to then find out he was only putting in the minimal amount of effort to sleep with you. Anyway, I think you hit the lottery with this one.
Congratulations and hope you find a guy soon that is ready to get to know you.
Hello Mike!
I met a guy five months ago whom I like very much. He's taken me on several dates and has cooked a nice dinner for me a couple of times. We would go out twice a week and I would spend the night at his place and go to work from there. All of a sudden, he started cancelling plans and making excuses which I sensed were a whole bunch of lies. I kept my cool and told him that I understand if something came up we can always meet later. Then he cancelled again, I told him understood. He would cancel and suggest to meet another day only to cancel again. When he cancelled for a third or fourth time I told him that.. "you obviously have some things you need to work out. Go ahead and do that. Good luck and hope I will be around when everything is resolved". He never responded. Since I liked him so much I ended up texting him the next day. He asked me to come over and I went (I also had to get my bra and undies from him).
When I got there I asked him for my bra and undies. He seemed reluctant to give them to me. He instead suggested we go grab some dinner. We ordered a take out. After dinner, I asked him from my bra and undies again. That's when he reluctantly went to his closest and give em to me. I then told him thanks for dinner and that I had to leave. He got mad claiming that I came to just use him for dinner. He went on to say that ever since he met me, he's been trying to impress me by cooking for me and taking me out on dates but, he hasn't seen me putting any effort towards him. He said that never once have I brought a bottle of wine, glasses and candles for a romantic evening with him. Never once have I cooked for him, or stop at the grocery store and get us food to cook together. He went on and on. I have paid for some fast food though before and I also paid tip at a restaurant one time. He was very happy and appreciative when I paid for the fast food. He tried to stop me, but I told him he always pay for us, so it was OK for me to pitch in.
After his speech, I told him I usually move so slow and I am not aggressive type girl. I told him I feel like I do not know anything about him yet after over four months and this causes me to have my guard up! I also reminded him that I had told him that I was going to take him out and treat him but he kept on cancelling. Long story short, I ended up not leaving that evening and spent the night at his house. We didn't have sex because I was on my period but gave him oral the next morning before I left for work. One thing I should mention, I always give him hickies and he never stops me, he actually likes it when I bite him and stuff! We talked for a long time and I told him I was going to try to spend like every other night at his place and I'm going to need a drawer space to put my necessities. He said he'll only believe it when he sees it! (I normally pack all my things and take them with me when I leave for work in the morning).
Keep in mind I had told him that I was enjoying spending time with him and that I was looking for an exclusive relationship with the right person. "His response was, he doesn't know but if we keep on hanging out maybe something will happen". So, I left it at that. But during the conversation, I also told him that I am not looking for a husband, but I want something more permanent and reliable cause for the past three years or so I have been dating and it has become emotionally draining. I also said that he's free to date other people cause he's responsible for his own happiness! I made it clear that I liked him very much and I know better not to pressure him into anything he's not ready for! We also talked about NBA playoffs and he said that next season we'll go to the game.
So, after all his speech about me not putting any effort, I told him that I would treat him and take him to a nice restaurant and do something else after dinner. He agreed and told me that he was free on Saturday. So, we made plans for Saturday and I made dinner reservations for Saturday evening but, I didn't tell him I had made reservations. That Saturday I texted him telling him around noon that I will be over his house at 6PM. He never responded. Three hours later or so, I called him, he didn't pick up. Then I texted him saying I will be over his place at 6PM and was wondering if we were still on. He texted me saying he was a little busy and then he said "Sorry I have to push it back....forgive me". I responded "I understand that something came up... these things happen. However, I had set aside this time for us and I’m really disappointed that you cancelled without enough time for me to make alternate plans for a Sat night. So, if you’re interested in seeing me again, you should let me know how you’d like to make this up to me, and I’d be happy to spend time with you again" (by the way I got this response online). He never responded or called me back and it's Wednesday today. I have not texted or called him. I decided to let him be hoping that if I give him space he'll come back to me.
What do I do? I really like this guy.
Thanks,
Lukresia
Lukresia,
Thanks for the story.
In the first paragraph it states, "he cancelled for a third or fourth time". For me, this is unacceptable behavior that no woman should put up with. If a man is really interested in a woman, there is NO WAY he is cancelling a date. He may even show up early to pick her up.
A man cancelling one date, maybe because he gets stuck at the office, that is reasonable, but later in your story you said, "I told him that I would treat him and take him to a nice restaurant and do something else after dinner. He agreed and said he was free on Saturday."
This is crazy! If my girlfriend wanted to buy me dinner and then do something special for me after, you better believe I would show up in my best outfit and super excited for a great night. However, this guy, doesn't respond and eventually cancels. He most likely cancelled because there was a better option for Saturday night. Bottom line, you are fabulous, putting yourself out there and making him a priority in your life but he is simply making you one of his options.
I don't think this is fair to you. You are special and deserved to be treated as such.
I would suggest saying the following to him: "I really like you. I have so much fun with you and I think you are an amazing man. However, I want to be with a man that pursues me, and when he makes plans, doesn't cancel them. Thus, we are 100% done and although I like you I am going to find a man who treats me how I want to be treated."
Next, immediately walk out.
If he stops you and begs for another chance, maybe you give it to him, but keep him on a short leash. Or, maybe he lets you walk out and you will know with 100% certainty that he was never that interested.
By the way, in this part of the story, "I then told him thanks for dinner and that I had to leave. He got mad claiming that I came to just use him for dinner. He went on to say that ever since he met me, he's been trying to impress me by cooking for me and taking me out on dates but, he hasn't seen me putting any effort towards him. He said that never once have I brought a bottle of wine, glasses and candles for a romantic evening with him. Never once have I cooked for him, or stop at the grocery store and get us food to cook together. He went on and on."
I am pretty sure he said all these things in hopes of guilting you into some form of a sexual experience. Which, he accomplished his goal by morning time and then he proceeded to stop responding to you for a few days. All this leads me to believe he is using you for sex.
I am sorry for the bad news, but I hope you use my advice and this guy starts to treat you like you deserve or you get out of this unhealthy relationship and find a new better guy.
Best of luck,
Mike
