Hello Mike!
I met a guy five months ago whom I like very much. He's taken me on several dates and has cooked a nice dinner for me a couple of times. We would go out twice a week and I would spend the night at his place and go to work from there. All of a sudden, he started cancelling plans and making excuses which I sensed were a whole bunch of lies. I kept my cool and told him that I understand if something came up we can always meet later. Then he cancelled again, I told him understood. He would cancel and suggest to meet another day only to cancel again. When he cancelled for a third or fourth time I told him that.. "you obviously have some things you need to work out. Go ahead and do that. Good luck and hope I will be around when everything is resolved". He never responded. Since I liked him so much I ended up texting him the next day. He asked me to come over and I went (I also had to get my bra and undies from him).
When I got there I asked him for my bra and undies. He seemed reluctant to give them to me. He instead suggested we go grab some dinner. We ordered a take out. After dinner, I asked him from my bra and undies again. That's when he reluctantly went to his closest and give em to me. I then told him thanks for dinner and that I had to leave. He got mad claiming that I came to just use him for dinner. He went on to say that ever since he met me, he's been trying to impress me by cooking for me and taking me out on dates but, he hasn't seen me putting any effort towards him. He said that never once have I brought a bottle of wine, glasses and candles for a romantic evening with him. Never once have I cooked for him, or stop at the grocery store and get us food to cook together. He went on and on. I have paid for some fast food though before and I also paid tip at a restaurant one time. He was very happy and appreciative when I paid for the fast food. He tried to stop me, but I told him he always pay for us, so it was OK for me to pitch in.
After his speech, I told him I usually move so slow and I am not aggressive type girl. I told him I feel like I do not know anything about him yet after over four months and this causes me to have my guard up! I also reminded him that I had told him that I was going to take him out and treat him but he kept on cancelling. Long story short, I ended up not leaving that evening and spent the night at his house. We didn't have sex because I was on my period but gave him oral the next morning before I left for work. One thing I should mention, I always give him hickies and he never stops me, he actually likes it when I bite him and stuff! We talked for a long time and I told him I was going to try to spend like every other night at his place and I'm going to need a drawer space to put my necessities. He said he'll only believe it when he sees it! (I normally pack all my things and take them with me when I leave for work in the morning).
Keep in mind I had told him that I was enjoying spending time with him and that I was looking for an exclusive relationship with the right person. "His response was, he doesn't know but if we keep on hanging out maybe something will happen". So, I left it at that. But during the conversation, I also told him that I am not looking for a husband, but I want something more permanent and reliable cause for the past three years or so I have been dating and it has become emotionally draining. I also said that he's free to date other people cause he's responsible for his own happiness! I made it clear that I liked him very much and I know better not to pressure him into anything he's not ready for! We also talked about NBA playoffs and he said that next season we'll go to the game.
So, after all his speech about me not putting any effort, I told him that I would treat him and take him to a nice restaurant and do something else after dinner. He agreed and told me that he was free on Saturday. So, we made plans for Saturday and I made dinner reservations for Saturday evening but, I didn't tell him I had made reservations. That Saturday I texted him telling him around noon that I will be over his house at 6PM. He never responded. Three hours later or so, I called him, he didn't pick up. Then I texted him saying I will be over his place at 6PM and was wondering if we were still on. He texted me saying he was a little busy and then he said "Sorry I have to push it back....forgive me". I responded "I understand that something came up... these things happen. However, I had set aside this time for us and I’m really disappointed that you cancelled without enough time for me to make alternate plans for a Sat night. So, if you’re interested in seeing me again, you should let me know how you’d like to make this up to me, and I’d be happy to spend time with you again" (by the way I got this response online). He never responded or called me back and it's Wednesday today. I have not texted or called him. I decided to let him be hoping that if I give him space he'll come back to me.
What do I do? I really like this guy.
Thanks,
Lukresia
Lukresia,
Thanks for the story.
In the first paragraph it states, "he cancelled for a third or fourth time". For me, this is unacceptable behavior that no woman should put up with. If a man is really interested in a woman, there is NO WAY he is cancelling a date. He may even show up early to pick her up.
A man cancelling one date, maybe because he gets stuck at the office, that is reasonable, but later in your story you said, "I told him that I would treat him and take him to a nice restaurant and do something else after dinner. He agreed and said he was free on Saturday."
This is crazy! If my girlfriend wanted to buy me dinner and then do something special for me after, you better believe I would show up in my best outfit and super excited for a great night. However, this guy, doesn't respond and eventually cancels. He most likely cancelled because there was a better option for Saturday night. Bottom line, you are fabulous, putting yourself out there and making him a priority in your life but he is simply making you one of his options.
I don't think this is fair to you. You are special and deserved to be treated as such.
I would suggest saying the following to him: "I really like you. I have so much fun with you and I think you are an amazing man. However, I want to be with a man that pursues me, and when he makes plans, doesn't cancel them. Thus, we are 100% done and although I like you I am going to find a man who treats me how I want to be treated."
Next, immediately walk out.
If he stops you and begs for another chance, maybe you give it to him, but keep him on a short leash. Or, maybe he lets you walk out and you will know with 100% certainty that he was never that interested.
By the way, in this part of the story, "I then told him thanks for dinner and that I had to leave. He got mad claiming that I came to just use him for dinner. He went on to say that ever since he met me, he's been trying to impress me by cooking for me and taking me out on dates but, he hasn't seen me putting any effort towards him. He said that never once have I brought a bottle of wine, glasses and candles for a romantic evening with him. Never once have I cooked for him, or stop at the grocery store and get us food to cook together. He went on and on."
I am pretty sure he said all these things in hopes of guilting you into some form of a sexual experience. Which, he accomplished his goal by morning time and then he proceeded to stop responding to you for a few days. All this leads me to believe he is using you for sex.
I am sorry for the bad news, but I hope you use my advice and this guy starts to treat you like you deserve or you get out of this unhealthy relationship and find a new better guy.
Best of luck,
Mike
Mike,
I brought my boyfriend of three months home to meet my mom. Later in the week I spoke with my mom and she said she didn't trust the guy and something was not right. Should I tell my boyfriend my mom doesn't like him? What should I do?
Molly
Molly,
Thanks for the great question. When we were teenagers, the romeo and juliet effect was alive and well, when parents didn't approve our significant other, more times than not we were pushed closer to them. However, now as adults we want our families to get along with our potential future husband. In an ideal world we picture our families blending and potentially spending holidays and other events together. In order for this to happen, we need everyone to get along.
You asked, "should you tell your boyfriend your mom doesn't like him?"
I would suggest waiting. If you have a guy that treats you well, like you deserved to be treated, your mother will eventually see how he treats you. Now, assuming your mother has your best interests at heart, when she sees the great treatment you receive, she most likely will start to warm up to your new boyfriend.
Bringing in new people to an already set family dynamic can be challenging. A mother could be accustomed to receiving your undivided attention. However, now she may be receiving less quality time because you now need to divide your attention between her and your new boyfriend. It is important that you are sensitive to your mother's need and will most likely want to start a dialogue with her to see how she feels about the new dynamic.
Is she still receiving what she needs out of her mother/daughter relationship?
Through strong communications, and a willingness to adapt to new social dynamics, hopefully all parties will be able to find a new normal and through time your great boyfriend and mother should grow closer together.
I was listening to the song, Next Boyfriend, by Lauren Alaina and everything about it resonated with what I am trying to teach. Here are some of the lyrics:
You look a lot like my next boyfriend I can't believe how much you act like him You and me, we'd be unbelievable And I'm available No, I don't think it's a coincidence I put it all together, it makes sense Boy, you ain't no fling or a could've been You look a lot like my next boyfriend
First, "you look a lot like my next boyfriend". This resonated because to me it speaks about how a man treats you. It doesn't matter if you have the title, are on your first date or have been dating for 6 months. How does he treat you? Does he treat you how you want to be treated? If he doesn't, have you told him what you expect?
Next, "you and me, we'd be unbelievable and I'm available." I love this. There is zero insecurity, zero confusion. "I'm available." That is confidence and honesty personified. No hard to get, no games, just openness.
In terms of men that are looking for life partners, they are looking for honesty, confidence, and strong communication. When you can articulate what you want, you are also communicating that you are equipped to navigate tough conversations, like where to live, finances, and other potentially difficult sit downs that come up when joining two lives.
Finally, so many "experts" talk about making yourself less available and yes, that can work. But every scientific study discusses how the sexiest/most desirable trait in the opposite sex is confidence. So instead of worrying about your availability, how about focusing on confidence and if you know you want something, stating it.
