Who is John Gray?
Author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, #1 best selling non-fiction author of all time and the leading expert on relationships.
What is this video about?
Men pull away more when they are in love.
Men need 10 to 30 times more testosterone than women.
Women need 10 times more estrogen than men.
Your Man pulls away to get balance. It is an opportunity for him to replenish his testosterone levels. It is perfectly normal for your guy after a long weekend together to disappear for awhile. He will look to accomplish things at work, solve problems, or participate in activities away from you. This is done in order to replenish his testosterone levels.
What Should You Do When He Disappears?
You should go spend time with your girlfriends, go to brunch, go shopping, go do anything that is fun for you that has nothing to do with him. Once your man has refilled his testosterone he will return. The less you reach out to him during this period of him being in his "man cave" the quicker and more excited he will be to return.
If you do feel the need to reach out to him, send him a picture of you having fun with your girlfriends. If he knows that you are accepting of him pulling away and are still happy with him he will feel a lot more comfortable to come back to you. Not to mention, he will want to take credit for some of your happiness. ;)
Let’s really get real here, my love seeking friends. Most of us are not just looking for someone to have a few dinners or frolics between the sheets with. Most of us are looking for a love partner with staying power and a lifetime mate. So, with that end goal in mind, let’s reverse engineer a successful relationship: ME + ME = WE. Two separate “MEs” must merge, turn upside down, and morph into a “WE”. This is easier said than done. Why? Because attraction is often driven by the more superficial stuff like professional success, sex appeal, good pedigree, etc. The standout resume is great but the important stuff lies way beneath the surface. For instance, can the individual that you are dating ever freely give a gift or do a favor for you without feeling resentful? Does this person ever say something like “I want today, or this weekend, to be about you” and back it up with something concrete like buying tickets to an event that you want to attend (that he or she would never purchase otherwise)? Can he or she surprise you with something special—just because—with no hidden agenda?
It’s about the two way street, baby. Give. Take. Take. Give. If the seesaw doesn’t alternate between up and down then no one is having a lot of fun in the dating playground. Smart daters have to learn to identify and vet those that just Take, Take, Take because these people may be fun for a little while, but they are not capable of sustaining a healthy relationship for the long haul. A long-term partnership or marriage is very challenging, even for the most loving individuals, because sometimes you have to put your own needs aside and be entirely selfless. Not all of the time, but some of the time. It’s a mission that is not for the faint of heart. In fact, probably half of the people getting married today don’t even have a clue that this is part of the commitment job description. No wonder so many of us are getting fired (divorced)!
As The DateMeister®, I tell people seeking success in love to try and identify (as early as possible in a relationship) those people who, somewhere along the line, got the dysfunctional message that Love is a zero sum game. These disordered individuals feel that if they give something of value to someone else, that there is less for them. One of the most important red flags indicating this is how they really feel about spending money on you and other important people in their lives. My most recent ex seemed to resent having to work although he owned his own business and called his own shots and made a nice living. He would get annoyed if there were any unexpected expenses having to do with seeing me or taking care of his daughter. Very directly I told him that girlfriends and daughters cost money and that that is part of life. I saw signs of this much earlier in the relationship and I never should have let it get to the point where I even had to hear him complain. But, unfortunately, many of us who want love very much make excuses for the people that we are dating like “She’s having a bad day” or “He lost a lot of money to his divorce”. If you want to find the real deal—the one with sticking power—you have to be willing to buy a one way ticket to the “No Excuse Zone” because, perhaps, the biggest red flags of all are the little voices inside our own heads saying: “It’s OK because. . .”.
About Your Author
Mary Reilly is a Purposepreneur and Dating Expert & Coach (The DateMeister (www.thedatemeister.com), @DateMeister). She hosts unique singles events and has partnered with Flavor Catering for food-centric events in NYC and on the Jersey Shore. She is currently co-authoring a book (with Martin Kelly, Ph.D.) entitled “Date Defensively: How To Know When To Get Off At The Next Exit” and is also a copy writer. She has a BA in English (cum laude) from William Smith College, and a MBA in Marketing & Finance from Columbia Business School. Mary would like to prevent other women and men from ignoring the red flags that their date may be personality disordered and ending up heartbroken, abused, in an unhappy marriage, or divorced.
In a previous post I discuss the massive need on how to make a man feel needed even when you don't need him. Well guess what, months later and this topic is still extremely important.
Men are going to gravitate towards you when you make them feel needed and appreciated after they satisfy your need.
Instead of trying to explain this I am just going to show you:
1. Instead of opening your own bottle of wine say, "Bob, will you use your big strong arms and open this wine bottle for me?" (Yes I am sure you have been opening wine all your life and yes, there is a good chance you are better than Bob at this. But if you don't make him feel needed, he won't want to be around you.)
Now, he opens the bottle of wine and pours you a glass.
"Thank you so much," you say with jubilation. Bob feels great about himself. Nice Job!
Or, you could open the bottle and pour the wine yourself. Bob, feels either nothing, or a tiny bit emasculated. Better to look to your feminine side and ask Bob for help. He will get the testosterone boost by solving your problem, and you will get the oxytocin boost by being thought about, cared about, and provided for.
You may think this whole thing is silly and a waste of time. But trust me, if something is this easy and can make a man so happy why wouldn't you do it?
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2. What if you told him, "Bob I need to tell you about a problem I am having at work. I just want you to listen for ten minutes and I DON'T want you to solve the problem. If you are willing to listen I will feel so much better."
What your guy hears?
"All I need to do is listen, no thinking, no solving, and after 10 minutes she is going to feel better and thank me? Sign me up! This sounds easy."
If you don't tell your guy an end time, an end result, he is going to feel like he is NOT helping you in your conversation. He will feel like he is not needed because he is not helping you. A man not needed will eventually become disheartened and look for someone that does need him.
What did we learn?
Ask for help, receive it, and appreciate your guy for it. When this happens you get taken care of, made to feel special, he feels needed and appreciated. Boom! Happy and healthy relationship.
