Let’s really get real here, my love seeking friends. Most of us are not just looking for someone to have a few dinners or frolics between the sheets with. Most of us are looking for a love partner with staying power and a lifetime mate. So, with that end goal in mind, let’s reverse engineer a successful relationship: ME + ME = WE. Two separate “MEs” must merge, turn upside down, and morph into a “WE”. This is easier said than done. Why? Because attraction is often driven by the more superficial stuff like professional success, sex appeal, good pedigree, etc. The standout resume is great but the important stuff lies way beneath the surface. For instance, can the individual that you are dating ever freely give a gift or do a favor for you without feeling resentful? Does this person ever say something like “I want today, or this weekend, to be about you” and back it up with something concrete like buying tickets to an event that you want to attend (that he or she would never purchase otherwise)? Can he or she surprise you with something special—just because—with no hidden agenda?
It’s about the two way street, baby. Give. Take. Take. Give. If the seesaw doesn’t alternate between up and down then no one is having a lot of fun in the dating playground. Smart daters have to learn to identify and vet those that just Take, Take, Take because these people may be fun for a little while, but they are not capable of sustaining a healthy relationship for the long haul. A long-term partnership or marriage is very challenging, even for the most loving individuals, because sometimes you have to put your own needs aside and be entirely selfless. Not all of the time, but some of the time. It’s a mission that is not for the faint of heart. In fact, probably half of the people getting married today don’t even have a clue that this is part of the commitment job description. No wonder so many of us are getting fired (divorced)!
As The DateMeister®, I tell people seeking success in love to try and identify (as early as possible in a relationship) those people who, somewhere along the line, got the dysfunctional message that Love is a zero sum game. These disordered individuals feel that if they give something of value to someone else, that there is less for them. One of the most important red flags indicating this is how they really feel about spending money on you and other important people in their lives. My most recent ex seemed to resent having to work although he owned his own business and called his own shots and made a nice living. He would get annoyed if there were any unexpected expenses having to do with seeing me or taking care of his daughter. Very directly I told him that girlfriends and daughters cost money and that that is part of life. I saw signs of this much earlier in the relationship and I never should have let it get to the point where I even had to hear him complain. But, unfortunately, many of us who want love very much make excuses for the people that we are dating like “She’s having a bad day” or “He lost a lot of money to his divorce”. If you want to find the real deal—the one with sticking power—you have to be willing to buy a one way ticket to the “No Excuse Zone” because, perhaps, the biggest red flags of all are the little voices inside our own heads saying: “It’s OK because. . .”.
About Your Author
Mary Reilly is a Purposepreneur and Dating Expert & Coach (The DateMeister (www.thedatemeister.com), @DateMeister). She hosts unique singles events and has partnered with Flavor Catering for food-centric events in NYC and on the Jersey Shore. She is currently co-authoring a book (with Martin Kelly, Ph.D.) entitled “Date Defensively: How To Know When To Get Off At The Next Exit” and is also a copy writer. She has a BA in English (cum laude) from William Smith College, and a MBA in Marketing & Finance from Columbia Business School. Mary would like to prevent other women and men from ignoring the red flags that their date may be personality disordered and ending up heartbroken, abused, in an unhappy marriage, or divorced.
You’ve just met a guy. He’s interesting, funny, sarcastic and hot! Life is good. You exchange numbers and start texting each other. “So gr8 to meet U!” “U2!”
You hang out a few times and keep texting back and forth for a couple of weeks. Then the texts start to taper off and finally disappear. You sit there wondering, “Why did he stop texting me? Was it something I did?” While no one can ever know the full reasons, the easiest answer is “yes” and “no.”
First Possible Reason:
Men aren’t really communicators. We aren’t taught how to be expressive and to communicate and share the way women are. Some of it is nature and some of it is nurture. For instance, depending on the study you use, women use around 30,000 words/day whereas men us 10,000 words/day. Very rarely do men text back and forth with other men. If we do, it’s direct and exchanging information. So constant texting can start to get annoying for a guy. Here’s an example of a guy-to-guy text exchange:
“Happy hour?”
“Si! Oddfellow’s?”
“Done.”
So if you want to keep a text convo open and rolling, don’t look for long interactions.
Second Possible Reason:
Not enough of a bond built. If you met a guy at a party and got each other’s number and started texting, you’ve probably spent more time texting than you actually did in each other’s company. There wasn’t that much time to build a good connection. So while you are trying to do it by keeping in contact, the emotional pull for him to interact with you lessens to the point that the contact stops. If you want to keep the energy going, you’ve got to meet in person to raise the energy and emotional level and keep meeting. Men aren’t looking for pen pals.
Third Possible Reason:
Something or someone has supplanted you. Most people are talking to/hanging out with/seeing/hooking up with multiple people at the same time. You may be one of 5 girls he’s talking to as he’s probably not the only one you’re in contact with. Perhaps the relationship with one of them is getting stronger and he is cutting others loose. No guy is ever going to send a text that says, “Hey, got more serious with someone else so not going to be texting you anymore.” They will just disappear. And no, it’s not the best way, but it does happen.
Fourth Possible Reason:
You did/said something to annoy or offend him. Maybe you were playfully teasing him about his love for Ariana Grande. The problem is that over text, there is no tone, so he may have read it as you being derisive or dismissive. Or perhaps you mentioned that you’re a Bernie-girl and he is not. It could have been on the last date you showed too much attention and he felt smothered or exactly the opposite. Again, we’ll never know so don’t overanalyze or beat yourself up over something that you have no control over.
The Reason He Definitely Did NOT Stop Texting You:
He got busy. This is B.S. Everyone is busy. If a man really likes a woman, he will find time to text her. Even if he’s a neurosurgeon, he’ll find time in between patients to send a quick: “thinking of you!” If you haven’t heard from him in a week or more, don’t make mental excuses that he was busy.
About The Author
Hunt Ethridge is a Dating and Relationship expert who has helped hundreds of men and women over the last decade. He is the founder of International Dating Coach Association and has written over 100 articles across all mediums on the subject of dating and love. You can find more of Hunt's advice at HuntForAdvice.com.
There are few things in life that are more annoying to the relationship-oriented girl than a guy who isn’t texting her! As a Matchmaker, Dating & Relationship Coach, as well as a relationship-oriented female myself, I am both professionally and personally acquainted with how widespread and frustrating this behavior-or lack thereof-really is. Whether the guy who is guilty as charged is your boyfriend, the guy you’ve been casually dating, or the guy you hooked up with last night at the bar, you may find yourself feeling disappointed, depressed, angry, or anywhere in between. While everyone’s circumstances are unique, and there is no-one-size-fits-all approach that is guaranteed to get any guy chasing after you, here are the strategies that will be most successful.
Ignore The Guy
Its ironic that my friend and colleague, EZ Dating Coach, Mike Goldstein, just asked me to write about this topic, because I recently had the unpleasant experience of this happening to me! A guy (who I have quite some history with) was supposed to text me later on one day, and he never did. My solution? I ignored it, went on with my day, and responded to his text the next day by calling him on FaceTime— at a time when I knew I looked extra fabulous! I'll show him. While I’d like to think it was my good looks and charm that hooked my guy back in, I know it was really the way my ignoring his ignoring me re-captured his interest.
Because I fought the urge to hit him with a lengthy text or voice message calling him out on his bullshit, he was left wondering why I didn’t contact him! Did I notice? Did I care? What was I doing? Who was I with?** And then he wanted me. Of course, men always want what they have to chase! That is why ignoring a guy-though seemingly counter-intuitive- works like magic. By the way, after my “text offender” reached out to me and we chatted a bit, I, then, casually brought up his lack of texting. You didn’t think I was really going to let him get away with that, did you?
Ignoring the guy is definitely my favorite approach. Its really the only way we ladies can see if he is interested enough to pursue us. Since I believe that men-real men and not immature man- boys-will go after the woman they truly want, I like to sit back and let the man do the work—especially in the early stages of the relationship or at whatever stage the relationship could benefit from giving him the thrill of the chase. When you really like and/or have unbelievable chemistry with the guy, this is easier said than done. Obviously. You'll want to reach out to him and make things right!
If you need help fighting that strong desire to text him, you can either text a friend or draft a text that you’ll never actually send him. Sometimes just expressing your emotion is all you really need to find the calm in the midst of your relational chaos. Any type of healthy distraction can work too.
Text (Or Call) The Guy
I know. I know. Ignoring a guy may seem too 1950s housewife for some women. Yes, its 2016, and if that guy you’re into steps texting you, it is certainly appropriate for you to pick up the phone and call him. Note: If you are a millennial who is scared of the phone or are thinking that calling your guy might cause a heart attack, you can text him. Just know that if you send him a “crazy” novel-like text message, he will screenshot it and send to his friends. (Yes, guys do that too!) The point is: It’s fine, really. If he really likes you, it isn’t going to turn him off—providing you remain somewhat calm when interacting with him.
Before you contact him, think about the worst possible outcome. What if you pour your heart out via text and he doesn’t respond until forty-eight hours later? Or worse, what if he never responds? What if you call him, call him out, and he gets frustrated and hangs up on you? What if he shuts down and doesn’t talk to you for a week? Ever again? If you can handle the consequences-which may be you feeling rejected, since men usually get in touch when they want to-by all means, contact him.
Whether you ignore him or initiate contact, you will eventually find out the truth about why he stopped texting you. If you want to know where you stand sooner rather than later, calling or texting him will work for you.
And if you want to find a guy who would never stop texting you…….
Well, you could do that too!
For more about me and how I could help you find and keep him, check out my website at www.RachelRusso.com
Notes From Your EZ Dating Coach, Mike Goldstein:
I think Rachel had 2 points that are worth repeating
1. If you must text, understand what all the outcomes are so you are prepared
2. Do Nothing, the guy will reach out to you if he is interested
Men and women handle stress extremely differently.
Scientists have proven that men can only use one side of their brain at a time. Thus, if men work a long day, or do anything for consecutive hours, their brain/body requires rest. If men shut off one side of their brain and use the other side they will alleviate stress allowing their brain to rest and get back to "normal".
Thus, sometimes men are not texting because they are shutting things down for a little bit to reset the engine. It doesn't mean he doesn't like you, love you, or want you in his life. It may just mean he had a rough day and needs to watch SportsCenter to turn off his brain and do nothing.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, women have 10 times more transmitters between the left and right side of the brain than men do. Thus, women are constantly using both sides of their brain. When they have a stressful day, typically their best approach to regain normalcy is by talking through their stress with someone willing to actively listen.
Bottom Line: If the guy likes you, he will reach out when he is ready. If he creeps into his man cave, let him stay there and when he is ready to come out he will come find you.
Want more information on this topic, watch this video where I walk you through what to do when he stops texting you.
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