When I lecture, coach or regularly talk on the radio about Toxic people, I am usually referring to people who I define as lacking the capacity to reason, or people who have the capacity to reason but just do not want to reason with you. I often advise that the best way to deal with a toxic person is not to deal with that person at all.
However, sometimes a “toxic” person may not be typically toxic at all. In fact the person could be a very caring friend of yours that simply is giving you bad advice or encouraging you in ways that are not in your best long-term interest. A “toxic” person could also be someone that you love, who genuinely loves you back, but isn’t ready or interested in moving forward with you for any number of reasons. Sometimes a toxic person is someone you are very close to, and can even count on, but who also brings out your worst attributes.
If you are single and interested in finding a serious relationship, it is very important that you keep toxic people (and those who are not toxic per se, but have a negative impact on your love life) as far away from you as possible. Here are some examples.
If you happen to be overly critical of yourself to the point that you continually put yourself down, or discourage yourself from trying new things, and there is someone around you that fuels these behaviors, that person may be toxic to you. Even if the person pushes you in discouraging yourself from trying new things because that person just wants to protect your feelings in case those new things do not work out; regardless of the intent, that person is holding you back and not doing you any real favors.
If you happen to start dating someone new and the chemistry is not exactly where you want it to be, and you decided to give your date a chance to let the chemistry develop over time because you really like your date and love all of your date’s other attributes BUT your best friend tells you that you should dump your date, because you deserve better, and should never settle, then your best friend may be toxic to you. Maybe your best friend has your best interests at heart, or maybe your best friend is jealous of your date and doesn’t want to lose spending time with you. Either way, if you have a chance at finding a decent partner to have a serious relationship, and a person in your life is pushing you to give it up before giving it a real chance, that person may be toxic for you.
If you are attempting to adopt a healthier lifestyle of eating better, exercising and reducing the amount of alcohol and junk food you eat, and a person in your life keeps trying to get you to go out places that encourage those behaviors you are trying to change, that person may be toxic for you. The person could attempt to join you on your new outings that encourage your new sought out healthier lifestyle, but isn’t interested, and attempts to guilt you into going places you would rather stay away from, that person may be toxic for you.
If you want to move forward in your life, it is going to involve some sacrifices and one of those sacrifices might mean to spend less time with the toxic people in your life who, good intentions or not, hold you back. There will be consequences such as some hurt feelings, and maybe a little resentment from the people that you put some distance with. On the other hand, the consequences might also include a newfound sense of adventure for life, new confidence in your ability to more forward, and even the best possible serious romantic relationship ever. In the long term, it might be a pretty good trade.
About Your Author
Frank Kermit is an expert Dating and Relationship Coach in private practice and for the match making industry, with over 15+ years experience helping singles and couples using his original Emotional Needs Analysis system.
To learn more about what Frank Kermit can do for you, please visit FrankTalks.com
For years women have been told to play hard to get and the man will chase her. This is terribly wrong. If I am pursuing a woman I am interested in and asked her out 3 -4 times and each time she was unavailable, well I can promise you I am not going to ask her out again because she is clearly not available for dating. No matter how much I like someone, I can't pursue someone that is not available.
But, when you are being yourself and available why do men lose interest?
Men are losing interest because you are not making them feel something on your dates. What does that mean?
Let me break it down into a list:
1. You need to have the top 5 qualities he is looking for in a partner. For example, maybe he wants someone compassionate, good conversationalist, handles problems well, positive attitude, and comes from a big great family. (If he ends up not pursuing you because you don't have his 5, no sweat, maybe he didn't have your 5 either. Onto the next guy)
2. If you are enjoying yourself, make him feel that. How do you do that? I will never forget my 3rd date with my now live in girlfriend. We just spent a day at the beach and were walking back to the car. She said, "This is the best date of my life." I said, "What!? You are Joking?" I remember thinking, I am sure some charming guy must have one upped me with a vacation to the Alps, with a romantic dinner, and maybe even being serenaded by Boys to Men or something spectacular. Quite, frankly to this day I am sure someone in her past must have done something amazing.
But, it doesn't matter, at this point in her head and in my mind that moment forever lives as the best date of her life and mine. At that very moment I felt something. I felt, happy, excited, and successful.
What did all this mean to me?
1. It made me think that I could plan simple dates, be myself, and I can make this woman happy.
2. If it is this easy to make her have the time of her life, maybe she is the right person to spend the rest of my life with because I can be successful with her.
So how can this be used in your life?
If you go on an amazing date, don't be afraid to tell him and definitely don't be afraid to use exponential superlatives. Feel free to say it was the best date of your life. Say this is the best beach you have ever been to. Say, this is the best restaurant I have ever eaten at. These types of statements will heighten situations and allow events to be more fun and more memorable.
Sometimes people are afraid to use all encompassing adjectives but when it comes to fun moments, they can increase fun levels. So if you want your guy to never lose interest, when you have a great date, tell him and be more emphatic about it than any other girl has ever been. When he feels like he has been the only person to provide this amazing of a date, well he will be intrigued by you, want to learn more about you, and most likely try to one up his date next date. I know that happened for me.
On the fourth date I was told that date was now the best date of her life. At this point I was hooked on her personality and the fact that I finally felt a supreme level of success in providing happiness for another person. There was no way I was losing interest from this point forward and guess what, it was just her being herself and making me feel successful. Pretty easy! You can do it too.
If you have been cheated on, you have two options, leave the person or stay with them. This decision is a massive one and is extremely difficult to make. In order to help you, I am going to place cheaters into 2 distinct buckets and explain the pros and cons of each so you can make a better decision for your relationship.
Let's talk about why men cheat.
1. Cheating Purely For Physical Pleasure - All cheating is horrible, but if your man cheated simply to get laid, that is better than if he spent time to build an emotional attachment and found another person he cared about.
Men are capable of using sex simply as a release or act of pleasure, no attachment is necessary. If there is zero attachment and he cheated just for physical stimulation, he did something stupid but there may be nothing wrong with your relationship and his emotional needs are being met within the relationship.
But, what about the man who cheats for a different reason?
2. Cheating to Fill an Emotional Need Not Satisfied in Current Relationship - This cheating is the worst. This man is not getting all his emotional needs met within his relationship and decided to look outside the relationship to meet his needs. This means something is missing within the relationship. If you and your guy want to continue both of you need to be abundantly clear what is missing and figure out a game plan to ensure the need is fixed.
Okay, we have deciphered between two types of cheaters.
Should you stay or should you go?
No one can make that decision for you. But some questions to help you figure it out are
:
Will you be able to trust him again? Is he willing to work to re-gain your trust? Is he never going to do this again?
Are you willing to work on the relationship? Is he willing to work on the relationship?
In the future if emotional or physical needs are not being met, when and how will this be discussed? Once discussed, how will it be solved? Is couples therapy an option?
If you can build a plan to move forward, perhaps forgiveness can eventually be offered. However, if you can't build a plan, perhaps separating is best for both parties.
