Everything is going great.
You met someone who you really feel like you can develop a connection with.
Maybe you even went on a few dates.
Both of you seem interested, texting back and forth for days.
And then, suddenly...
Nothing.
It’s something everyone dreads, but which is experienced all too often.
Ghosting is defined as the cessation of all communication suddenly and without explanation.
For most, it is devastating and downright rude.
So what should you do if it happens to you?
Here are my thoughts...
Why It Is Done
First, it is important to understand the psychology behind ghosting.
The action of ghosting is definitely not new, but the methods and the ease with which people can get away with it is.
Because we are so reliant on our technology for dating and relationship building it’s often difficult to gauge how someone really feels.
After all, text doesn’t generally express tone.
Often times, people use impersonal technological methods to figure out how they feel about an individual. Equally common is the person realizing they are no longer interested after a brief period.
In an effort to avoid their own emotional discomfort, they simply break away without the courtesy of letting you know.
The worst part is, most people have done it at some point, creating a culture where it is taboo and somehow acceptable all at once.
But Ghosting is not acceptable and those who regularly do it probably aren’t ready to be in a relationship.
What You Should Do
That is not to say that there is nothing you can do.
Quite the contrary.
There are many steps you can take not only to make sure the other party is ghosting you, but also to potentially elicit a response.
Here are six tips you should follow. No cheating!
1. Make sure you’re actually being ghosted.
Sometimes people just don’t have the time to send messages.
Perhaps they mentioned a hectic schedule ahead or even a planned vacation.
Don’t jump to conclusions about someone’s intentions before you confirm them.
2. Don’t freak out.
False accusations of ghosting can be instant relationship killers.
No matter how it may appear, there are often simple answers for seemingly strange behaviors.
One thing I highly recommend:
Try to avoid checking out their social media and doing other things that would be deemed “stalkery behavior.”
There is no reason to add fuel to the flames, especially if you’re still unsure.
3. Reach out in a calm and lighthearted way.
If you haven’t heard from someone in a while, the best way to initiate is playfully.
Being abrasive and harsh is never a good idea, especially if it turns out you’re not actually being ignored.
Start out by saying something like “Hey, long time no speak!” or something similar that won’t be taken out of context.
This indicates that you are aware that the other party is being distant, but you’re not worried about it or pressuring them.
4. Stop texting.
After reaching out once, you can try one more polite text.
If you don’t get a response, STOP.
Text bombing is a great way to show someone that you are needy and insecure. And nobody finds that attractive.
At this point, it’s a waiting game.
The other person will either respond and explain themselves… Or they won’t.
5. Don’t call.
After texting twice, you may be tempted to try something more dramatic.
Don’t.
Aside from the fact that if their phone is working, they definitely got your messages, calling is just another way to demonstrate your inability to cope with what is happening.
But more on that later.
6. Don’t speak to their friends.
If you have some friends in common, don’t pursue an answer from them.
Relationships are personal things and getting others involved is usually not a good idea. Especially in this situation.
The one situation where I would recommend asking is if they bring it up.
If someone asks you how a relationship is going, you can nonchalantly ask if they know something.
Getting Over It
If you find that you have, indeed, been ghosted, it is critical that you be proactive about getting over it.
The first thing to keep in mind is that you did not do anything wrong.
Sometimes we fall into the trap of believing that it was our actions that caused someone to behave a certain way.
This is not the case and people are always responsible for the choices they make and the actions they take.
If you were being true to yourself in your conversations, it probably just means that they weren’t for you.
Rejection happens.
Once you come to that realization you can start moving on.
Go on some dates, do fun things, hang out with friends… It really doesn’t matter how you fill your time, as long as you are doing positive things.
If you want to post pictures on social channels that the other person is bound to see, go for it!
There is no use letting someone else control your emotions.
At least not publicly. :)
About the Author
Pauline Plott is a London-based blogger who became a dating guru after learning the psychology behind modern romance and signing up for every dating website in pursuit of relationship bliss. She shares her reviews and opinions on www.DatingSpot.co.uk.
Dating efficiently for women can be the most confusing process in the world. At first, I will tell you to go wild and message every man that makes sense for you. The next minute, I will say "do nothing and let him come to you." Any woman reading this should want to tear her hair out and say, "Mike! Make up your mind! Do I sit back or pounce?"
The answer is simple and can be broken down into two steps.
First, message every guy that looks good for you and yes ask these men on dates. Why should YOU, being the woman, ask him, being the man out? Because Men do not see you as a real live person until they meet you in person. Thus, you need to get to the date as fast as you feel comfortable. Once you are on a first date, he can fall in love with your beauty, get to know your personality and determine if he is interested in you and vice versa. But until he sees you, you might as well be a figment of his imagination. You do not exist. Thus, get your butt on the date if you don't want men to disappear online.
Alright, now that you are going on dates, how do you get a guy to chase you.
Well first, watch this video and I will show you.
Next, here are the 3 Steps To Make Men Chase You
STEP 1: Go On The Date - Well that was simple and straight forward! Well there is more to it. Dating should be fun, exciting, and exploratory. However, if you are looking to settle down sooner rather than later it also better be strategic. What do I mean by that? Before you go dating, build you perfect man list. This should be a laundry list of 20-40 items you want in the perfect man but narrowed down to your top 5. Now, during the date, you should be asking questions that hint at whether your date has your top 5 qualities. If he doesn't have your top 5, move onto the next guy. If he does have your top 5 and you enjoyed the date, proceed to step 2.
STEP 2: End Date The Right Way - Assuming your date has your top 5 and you have fun say this, "I just had the best date of my life with you. I really hope I get to see you again." You say that slowly and confidently. You drop the mic and you walk out.
STEP 3: Do Nothing - Do not text, call, or email. It is finally time for him to chase you. This step is so vitally important because it gives you all the information you need. If he calls/texts you in the next 72 (hopefully 48) hours, hopefully asking for another date then he likes you. If you don't hear from him than 98.5% of the time he doesn't like you. If you hear from him, he has your top 5 and you would like to see him again then agree to a 2nd date. If you hear from him and he doesn't have your top 5 then don't agree to 2nd date.
Finally, repeat STEP 3 after every single date until you are exclusive. It is important once he knows you are real that he comes after you.
Wait! I forgot the most important part. Do not have sex with him until you are exclusive. He must chase you and chase you and chase you until he wants to lock you down. He will want exclusivity for a few reasons:
1. He thinks you are fantastic
2. He wants to finally have sex with you
3. He is convinced he has found a prize that few men could have earned - He only feels this way if you don't have sex with him. If you have sex with him on date 2, whether it is true or not he will assume you do this with every guy. Thus, he is NOT special. And, if he is not special, then you are not special in his eyes.
Alright ladies. Let's break down one more time so we are crystal clear. First, message every guy possible and be aggressive to be all your competition and land a date with the best guy possible. Next, end the date like a rock star by complimenting how awesome the guy is and how much fun you had. Finally, do nothing and find out if he likes you by him finally reaching out to you. If you do this process over and over again, you will find an amazing guy who is going to chase you for a lifetime.
I remember when I was a 15 year old boy, and yes I will use the word boy even though I supposedly turned into a man at age 13 (Bar Mitzvah) I got my dating advice from my close friends. My closest friend, Joe, would always tell me that you can't be nice to women. You need to command them, put them down, and show your raw dominance over them. At the time I had to think his words had merit because he always seemed to do very well with women. (Obviously, later in life I learned he was full of shit) Anyway, him and I would partner up and head to the mall to hit on women.
One of us would approach, typically taking turns to initiate conversation. Once we thought the women were receptive to having a conversation, we would both talk to them. Joe would dominate conversation and would make fun of me. I would pretend to be sad, one woman would comfort me while the other woman would laugh. The girl that would laugh would be Joe's, while the woman that was sympathetic would be mine. This strategy worked quite well and suited our personalities.
However, obviously this "routine" was not entirely genuine and of course did little in terms of building a true connection and facilitating actually getting to know each other. Thus, this strategy would need to evolve.
Anyway, I probably told this story because it made me feel nostalgic of the fun of hitting on strangers at a mall. But, why is this story valuable for you? It shows that advice from friends can be good and/or bad. In this case, my friend's advice, in the short term of picking up women was probably half decent. But, in the long term, including karma, and building true intimacy, it was disingenuous and not helpful for me or the women I courted.
So, in order to help you decide if your friend's dating advice is any good, I have decided to over generalize but put your friends into two buckets: "Yes" Friends and "Guardian" Friends:
1. The "Yes" Friend - The yes friend simply tells you whatever you want to hear. You get a bad haircut, she tells you, "Wow, I love your haircut. You look amazing!" You have a boyfriend or potential boyfriend that you like and clearly doesn't treat you how to deserve to be treated the yes friend says, "Yea, you are right, give him a second chance." The yes friend is a valuable friend for boosting your ego and having less stressful conversations but she is not a person to get advice from. (At least if you are looking for a honest opinion)
2. The "Guardian" Friend - The guardian friend is 1. your protector and 2. holds you accountable when you do something wrong. This friend has probably known you for a long time and when she sees a current/potential boyfriend not treating you well, you better believe she is going to tell you about it. When the guardian speaks, you better at least listen because she truly has your best interests at heart.
However, in regards to YOUR relationship. It is your decision. My advice is don't rate the quality of the guy, rate the quality of the relationship. If he treats you well, move forward, if he doesn't treat you well, demand better and if he gives you better, awesome! If he doesn't, maybe it is time to move on.
Bottom line, it is okay to listen to all you friends and even listen to the words you find on the internet. But, at the end of the day, you decide what advice is right for you. Some advice will be applicable and helpful, while other advice will not be helpful. Either way, trust yourself and do the best you can. If things with a current boyfriend are meant to be, they will be. If they are not meant to be, that is fine too.
