If you’ve recently been on a first date, odds are you’ve already made a decision on whether or not to go out on a second one. This makes sense. First impressions are vital after all.
But before you reject or accept the next person based solely on your gut instinct, consider focusing on exactly what you need/want in a life partner. Here’s a great three-step system I use with my clients to help them to decide who gets a second date and who doesn’t.
Step 1. Build a list of anything and everything you want in a partner. Go wild. This list should be 20 items or more. Examples include: Good looking, great communicator, positive attitude, trust worthy, passionate about work, sense of humor, caring, thoughtful, loves animals, family oriented, etc.
Step 2. Cross out any quality you do NOT possess.
Step 3. Rank the remaining qualities based on importance from 1-5.
After your next first date, check the list. If your date has the 5 qualities you care about most, go on a second date. If they don’t, move onto the next suitor.
There’s a lot more that goes into this process than that. But the point of system is to ensure you date based on the characteristics you need in your life partner—IE your non-negotiables.
The list is also fluid and editable. If you’re dating someone and realize there’s a must-have quality not on the list, add it and remove the least needed quality.
This will help ensure you’re dating the right people for the right reasons and not wasting your time on someone who won’t make you happy long term.
Brian rolls into his plush New York City midtown office at 8:30AM to start his work day. He takes a sip of coffee and opens up email. By 9AM he has caught up with email and is ready to start the day. WAIT! Tinder time.
Swipe Right, Swipe Right, Swipe Right, maybe an occasional Swipe Left for good measure. Match, match, soon to be match, and so on.
He slides into the matches section of tinder and has 13 new ladies he is yet to type to and three girls he is mid conversation with. By noon he has planned a date for Tuesday at 8PM, and a date for 7PM on Thursday followed by a date at 9PM Thursday (Two in One Night!). In case you are wondering, yes this does happen and yes this is more the norm than not happening, especially in the city that doesn't sleep, NYC.
The Data
Now, if Brian is averaging 3 dates per week. In one year he will go on about 156 dates. However, Brian has been single for three years. Thus, Brian has been on about 468 dates. WOAH! That is a lot of dates! Brian is a busy man.
If Brian has met 468 women, do you think it is possible that maybe, just maybe one of these women should have been a great match for him? Well... I hope so! However, for some reason Brian is still single. Now, Brian is not single by choice. He candidly does want a girlfriend, but just like EVERYONE ELSE, he does not want to feel like he is settling. Due to women always looking bigger and brighter from a far he keeps dating new girls and doesn't give good matches a fair shake.
The Findings
Unfortunately, or fortunately, countless psychology studies have proven that when the human brain has more than three options it becomes extremely difficult to make a decision. Thus, when you introduce online dating, everyone has access to countless dating options. All these options lead to indecision or what I like to call, "Could I do better syndrome?"
If you have, "could I do better syndrome?" you are going to knit pick everything about your potential partners. Well," he only makes six figures, I was really hoping for a guy that makes 250k plus. His face is shaven, I want a guy with a manly beard," and so on.
What YOU Should Do!
So I guess the million dollar question is, How Do You Keep a Guys Attention?
1. Be interested, not interesting on your date. This is key. People love to talk about themselves.
Ask him questions about anything you are genuinely interested about. Now here is the important part, make sure you hold eye contact and truly listen actively. Hang on what he is saying, assuming you are interested give him raw emotions that are vivid and easily seen on your facial expressions. If he feels you are excited about what is coming out of his mouth he will be much more excited to take the positive interested girl on a second date than some random girl who may be boring and potentially a poor conversationalist.
2. Keep Him Wondering Sexually - 90% of my women clients no matter what I say struggle with no sex until monogamy.
I don't fault them, I don't judge them, and frankly many times the guy sticks around anyway. But, the common denominator of when man stick around is simple. The sex always happens after he has already made up his mind that you are the girl for him.
I am a broken record on this but if he is talking about meeting family, friends, and booking future vacations he is certain of you.
If you are not 100% sure he has made up his mind about you, Please do not have sex yet. I am not saying this because I don't want you to experience pleasure but because men whether they want to admit it or not feel like kings of the world when they finally get laid from a girl that made them work for it.
Men want to feel like they did something no other man on the world could accomplish. (Obviously most of you have sex men before, but you want to portray to your man that you don't just give yourself to everyone)
His feeling of accomplishment coupled with good conversation, some mutual interests, and fun dates together should keep a man coming back for more.
Tired of being single. Tired of reading my articles but having no one to try my concepts on?
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I have been watching and even was briefly on the TV show Married at First Sight by A+E. The TV show is an amazing concept where four experts (Sociologist, Psychologist, Sexologist, and Religion expert) attempt to match up total strangers and literally have them get married at first sight for 6 weeks and then decide if they would like to stay married or get a divorce.
At first glance, many, myself included thought this concept was absolutely crazy. However, the experts have proven that they may be onto something special. After two seasons 4 of the 6 couples remained married. Thus, the system is not perfect but clearly has some merit and should be investigated further.
However, what I want to analyze today is two of couples from the show that eventually had electric relationships. One of the relationships was so electric and fun, Jamie and Doug, that they needed to be rewarded with a spin off show for the world to see how special their love is. But, interestingly enough, at first sight, Jamie was literally disgusted with the sight of her husband. She was in tears and truly did not want to go into the marriage. Jamie proceeded to go on her honeymoon with her husband and was terrified. She had zero chemistry with Doug and literally did not like his face at all.
However, she stuck it out. Days went on, weeks went on, and something happened. She saw that Doug was generous, caring, sweet, and a ton of fun. In her mind, this disgusting, ugly man, had started to transform into this sexy, irresistible guy. Shortly after, she could not keep her hands off him. Doug and Jamie fell madly in love and began a life together.
So what is the point of the story. How does this apply to your dating life? Simple, this story is one example that proves a scientific study that was conducted a number of years ago. In the study men would rate women purely based on looks and then after getting to know the person re-rate their attractiveness. Women with amazing personalities on a 0 - 10 scale would only increase by 1 point and at times not move at all. However, as women get to know men, they are able to move men anywhere from 4 to 6 points based on personality. So what does this mean?
Side note: Yes, science literally just proved that men are visual/superficial. (Instead of complain about it, let's accept it, understand it, and use this knowledge to our advantage)
What should you do with the nice guy you are dating that you aren't attracted to?
No, you should not dump the nice guy that you have zero physical attraction with. At least, not for awhile. For some women, they can get to know a man by date 2 but for most women it can take at least 5 - 8 dates until they have a strong understanding of what the man is all about. For some women, it can take well over 10 dates to truly have a strong opinion of the man's character. As long as the guy as the 5 core values you are looking for and continues to ask you out, I would suggest continuing to date him. However, if he doesn't have one of your must have top 5 core values than I would absolutely agree with a decision to no longer agree to dates.
Bottom line of this article, give good guys a chance, and truly look under the hood at the man hunks out there and make sure they have the core values you MUST have in a husband.
Happy Dating,
Mike
Are you ready for love? Tired of dating countless men and never get one great guy to commit to you? Ready to make a change? Contact me at datingcoachmike@gmail.com to setup a 100% FREE Dating Strategy Session. You have nothing to lose, but possibly the love of your life to gain!
