Let’s really get real here, my love seeking friends. Most of us are not just looking for someone to have a few dinners or frolics between the sheets with. Most of us are looking for a love partner with staying power and a lifetime mate. So, with that end goal in mind, let’s reverse engineer a successful relationship: ME + ME = WE. Two separate “MEs” must merge, turn upside down, and morph into a “WE”. This is easier said than done. Why? Because attraction is often driven by the more superficial stuff like professional success, sex appeal, good pedigree, etc. The standout resume is great but the important stuff lies way beneath the surface. For instance, can the individual that you are dating ever freely give a gift or do a favor for you without feeling resentful? Does this person ever say something like “I want today, or this weekend, to be about you” and back it up with something concrete like buying tickets to an event that you want to attend (that he or she would never purchase otherwise)? Can he or she surprise you with something special—just because—with no hidden agenda?
It’s about the two way street, baby. Give. Take. Take. Give. If the seesaw doesn’t alternate between up and down then no one is having a lot of fun in the dating playground. Smart daters have to learn to identify and vet those that just Take, Take, Take because these people may be fun for a little while, but they are not capable of sustaining a healthy relationship for the long haul. A long-term partnership or marriage is very challenging, even for the most loving individuals, because sometimes you have to put your own needs aside and be entirely selfless. Not all of the time, but some of the time. It’s a mission that is not for the faint of heart. In fact, probably half of the people getting married today don’t even have a clue that this is part of the commitment job description. No wonder so many of us are getting fired (divorced)!
As The DateMeister®, I tell people seeking success in love to try and identify (as early as possible in a relationship) those people who, somewhere along the line, got the dysfunctional message that Love is a zero sum game. These disordered individuals feel that if they give something of value to someone else, that there is less for them. One of the most important red flags indicating this is how they really feel about spending money on you and other important people in their lives. My most recent ex seemed to resent having to work although he owned his own business and called his own shots and made a nice living. He would get annoyed if there were any unexpected expenses having to do with seeing me or taking care of his daughter. Very directly I told him that girlfriends and daughters cost money and that that is part of life. I saw signs of this much earlier in the relationship and I never should have let it get to the point where I even had to hear him complain. But, unfortunately, many of us who want love very much make excuses for the people that we are dating like “She’s having a bad day” or “He lost a lot of money to his divorce”. If you want to find the real deal—the one with sticking power—you have to be willing to buy a one way ticket to the “No Excuse Zone” because, perhaps, the biggest red flags of all are the little voices inside our own heads saying: “It’s OK because. . .”.
About Your Author
Mary Reilly is a Purposepreneur and Dating Expert & Coach (The DateMeister (www.thedatemeister.com), @DateMeister). She hosts unique singles events and has partnered with Flavor Catering for food-centric events in NYC and on the Jersey Shore. She is currently co-authoring a book (with Martin Kelly, Ph.D.) entitled “Date Defensively: How To Know When To Get Off At The Next Exit” and is also a copy writer. She has a BA in English (cum laude) from William Smith College, and a MBA in Marketing & Finance from Columbia Business School. Mary would like to prevent other women and men from ignoring the red flags that their date may be personality disordered and ending up heartbroken, abused, in an unhappy marriage, or divorced.
You’ve just met a guy. He’s interesting, funny, sarcastic and hot! Life is good. You exchange numbers and start texting each other. “So gr8 to meet U!” “U2!”
You hang out a few times and keep texting back and forth for a couple of weeks. Then the texts start to taper off and finally disappear. You sit there wondering, “Why did he stop texting me? Was it something I did?” While no one can ever know the full reasons, the easiest answer is “yes” and “no.”
First Possible Reason:
Men aren’t really communicators. We aren’t taught how to be expressive and to communicate and share the way women are. Some of it is nature and some of it is nurture. For instance, depending on the study you use, women use around 30,000 words/day whereas men us 10,000 words/day. Very rarely do men text back and forth with other men. If we do, it’s direct and exchanging information. So constant texting can start to get annoying for a guy. Here’s an example of a guy-to-guy text exchange:
“Happy hour?”
“Si! Oddfellow’s?”
“Done.”
So if you want to keep a text convo open and rolling, don’t look for long interactions.
Second Possible Reason:
Not enough of a bond built. If you met a guy at a party and got each other’s number and started texting, you’ve probably spent more time texting than you actually did in each other’s company. There wasn’t that much time to build a good connection. So while you are trying to do it by keeping in contact, the emotional pull for him to interact with you lessens to the point that the contact stops. If you want to keep the energy going, you’ve got to meet in person to raise the energy and emotional level and keep meeting. Men aren’t looking for pen pals.
Third Possible Reason:
Something or someone has supplanted you. Most people are talking to/hanging out with/seeing/hooking up with multiple people at the same time. You may be one of 5 girls he’s talking to as he’s probably not the only one you’re in contact with. Perhaps the relationship with one of them is getting stronger and he is cutting others loose. No guy is ever going to send a text that says, “Hey, got more serious with someone else so not going to be texting you anymore.” They will just disappear. And no, it’s not the best way, but it does happen.
Fourth Possible Reason:
You did/said something to annoy or offend him. Maybe you were playfully teasing him about his love for Ariana Grande. The problem is that over text, there is no tone, so he may have read it as you being derisive or dismissive. Or perhaps you mentioned that you’re a Bernie-girl and he is not. It could have been on the last date you showed too much attention and he felt smothered or exactly the opposite. Again, we’ll never know so don’t overanalyze or beat yourself up over something that you have no control over.
The Reason He Definitely Did NOT Stop Texting You:
He got busy. This is B.S. Everyone is busy. If a man really likes a woman, he will find time to text her. Even if he’s a neurosurgeon, he’ll find time in between patients to send a quick: “thinking of you!” If you haven’t heard from him in a week or more, don’t make mental excuses that he was busy.
About The Author
Hunt Ethridge is a Dating and Relationship expert who has helped hundreds of men and women over the last decade. He is the founder of International Dating Coach Association and has written over 100 articles across all mediums on the subject of dating and love. You can find more of Hunt's advice at HuntForAdvice.com.
In a previous post I discuss the massive need on how to make a man feel needed even when you don't need him. Well guess what, months later and this topic is still extremely important.
Men are going to gravitate towards you when you make them feel needed and appreciated after they satisfy your need.
Instead of trying to explain this I am just going to show you:
1. Instead of opening your own bottle of wine say, "Bob, will you use your big strong arms and open this wine bottle for me?" (Yes I am sure you have been opening wine all your life and yes, there is a good chance you are better than Bob at this. But if you don't make him feel needed, he won't want to be around you.)
Now, he opens the bottle of wine and pours you a glass.
"Thank you so much," you say with jubilation. Bob feels great about himself. Nice Job!
Or, you could open the bottle and pour the wine yourself. Bob, feels either nothing, or a tiny bit emasculated. Better to look to your feminine side and ask Bob for help. He will get the testosterone boost by solving your problem, and you will get the oxytocin boost by being thought about, cared about, and provided for.
You may think this whole thing is silly and a waste of time. But trust me, if something is this easy and can make a man so happy why wouldn't you do it?
Advanced
2. What if you told him, "Bob I need to tell you about a problem I am having at work. I just want you to listen for ten minutes and I DON'T want you to solve the problem. If you are willing to listen I will feel so much better."
What your guy hears?
"All I need to do is listen, no thinking, no solving, and after 10 minutes she is going to feel better and thank me? Sign me up! This sounds easy."
If you don't tell your guy an end time, an end result, he is going to feel like he is NOT helping you in your conversation. He will feel like he is not needed because he is not helping you. A man not needed will eventually become disheartened and look for someone that does need him.
What did we learn?
Ask for help, receive it, and appreciate your guy for it. When this happens you get taken care of, made to feel special, he feels needed and appreciated. Boom! Happy and healthy relationship.
