When you are going through a breakup, there is unfortunately no magic wand that someone can wave over you to make everything instantly better. It can literally seem like the worst feeling on earth and as though you will never be able to recover from it. That said, we all go through breakups. It just takes time, patience, and developing the right mindset to move on from them. You need to look at your relationship from the outside in - with your head and not just with your heart.
We often get so caught up in the sadness of breakups, that it can cause us to lose sight of why the breakup happened. You need to realize that if your relationship was happy and healthy, there wouldn’t have been a breakup in the first place. Even if you were not the one who initiated the breakup, you need to focus on the fact that if someone chose not to be with you, you shouldn’t want to be with them either. You deserve someone who loves you and can’t even fathom the thought of losing you. Life is too short to settle for mediocre.
The first thing you can do to start the healing process is to go no contact. This means no texting, no calling, no emailing, and no social media. Nothing. If you maintain contact with this person in any fashion, you will just be prolonging your pain. Stay away from checking up on them online or asking common friends about them. It will only hurt you more. Do not respond to them if they try to contact you either. They chose to breakup with you, so let them live with their decision. They are probably hurting to some degree as well, but don’t give them the benefit of knowing that they have a hold on you and can have you back at a moment’s notice. If you end up caving in, they will likely just end up hurting you again.
Next, whatever you do, you need to stay away from the “shoulda, coulda, woulda’s”. Sure, you can analyze things to death and have a million regrets, but it will do you no good to rehash things in your head over and over again.
Get a piece of paper and make a pro and con list. The only way that this will work, however, is if you are completely honest with yourself about the relationship. Don’t sugarcoat anything or put the other person in a brighter light than they should be in. Write down every single thing that bothered you about the relationship and the person you were with. Then, write down everything that you liked about the relationship. In most cases, the cons will outweigh the pros. Use the con list as a way to keep yourself strong. Read it often to remind yourself of what did not make you happy and what was not working in your relationship. Use the pro list going forward to build on in terms of what you want in a future relationship.
In addition to all of the tips mentioned above, get at least 30 minutes of exercise per day, get plenty of sleep, eat healthy, and declutter your surroundings. Put all material items from your relationship in a box so that you are not constantly reminded of your ex. It’s also a good idea to stay away from the alcohol because that will likely make you feel more depressed and possibly lead to unnecessary drama and embarrassment. Alcohol tends to give us the urge to contact exes when we shouldn’t, and in most cases, that never ends well.
As the saying goes, time heals all wounds. It really does. You just have to hold on, take it day by day, and keep the faith. Stay busy and keep yourself distracted. Focus on goals that you have wanted to accomplish, but may have let slide because you were so caught up in your relationship. This can also be a great way to boost your confidence and self-esteem, which is exactly what you need right now. Remember, the sooner you can heal from this relationship, the sooner you can open your heart to someone else who will be better suited for you. It may seem impossible right now, but one day you will look back and be grateful that this breakup happened – you just don’t see it yet – but you will.
About Your Author
Trina Leckie is a Breakup Coach and Host of the breakup BOOST Podcast - LISTEN HERE on iTunes. Her mission is to help people heal their hearts and get back in the dating saddle. Connect with her on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.
When you find the one relationship that feels just right, you will realize a lot from that great relationship. Here are 10 of the biggest lessons you can learn from being in a truly healthy relationship.
Show Your True Colors: Being your true self with your partner is vital for the development of a great relationship and your flaws won’t seem as awkward to share if you’re with the right person.
Don’t Lament On The Past: Everyone has a past but you shouldn’t let each other’s get in the way of your present. When you care about someone enough, you learn to accept things for what they are.
Never Assume: You can’t presume you and your partner will know what each other is thinking, even if you’ve been together for a while, so communication is key.
Miscommunication Happens: If your partner says something that offends you, stay calm and ask them what they mean. You wouldn’t want to hurt each other on purpose in a healthy relationship, so chances are that it was a misunderstanding.
Forget the Games: Whether it’s showing someone how much you care for them or expressing when you’re upset, being honest shouldn’t be a fear in a good relationship. Be honest, open and understanding with your feelings and theirs.
Stay Independent: Your individual happiness is crucial to be happy within your relationship. Being able to spend time on your own doing the things each of you enjoy will definitely make you happier.
View Things from Their Perspective: Couples don’t always agree. Don’t let your differing opinions cause fights. Take a step back and try to understand each other’s points of view.
Support Each Other’s Growth: Growing as individuals helps your relationship grow. Always support each other in whatever you each desire to further personal growth and be happy together.
Forgive: Forgiveness and letting go of anger that could impact your relationship in the future is so important. Think of your arguments as lessons to make your future communication constructive.
Trust: Cheating, lying and similar behavior shouldn’t be worries on your mind. In a healthy relationship, you need to have unwavering trust and when you do, you can make it through any problems that may arise.
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Men are visual creatures and certainly find attractive women appealing. But, when it comes to keeping a man, looks have NOTHING to do with it.
So, what skills will keep him coming back for more?
1. Make him feel needed.
Strong, successful, career-oriented women no longer need men. Men were hunters and gatherers, men were providers. The roles have changed and women don't need men to hunt, gather or provide, but, men still want to feel needed. What do I mean by needed?
It can be as simple as asking your man to bring you a glass of water.
You can ask him for advice.
You can ask him to open a jar for you.
If your man doesn't feel needed by you, someone else will surely ask for and appreciate his help.
2. Appreciate Your Man.
Once you have made him feel needed, the next step is to appreciate him for his help. If he takes the garbage out for you, you could say, "You are such a strong man. Thank you for taking the garbage out."
When he does work, he wants to be rewarded for it. If you compliment him or thank him, that is his reward. Notice and acknowledge him helping and it will become contagious.
Advanced Move: Men should compliment women directly. "You look so beautiful tonight, I love how your butt looks in those jeans." Women should compliment men by speaking highly of what they are doing together.
For example, if your guy takes you to dinner, tell him, "What an amazing restaurant this is, my food is fantastic." Your man will love this! It will be as if he cooked your dinner himself and he will feel great for making you happy.
3. Make Him Feel Accepted.
Everybody has weird idiosyncrasies, especially men. Some men need to play video games once week, other men secretly love N'Sync, but in order for a man to stay with a woman forever, he needs to know that whatever he secretly likes or wants to do is 100% accepted by his woman. If he doesn't feel 100% comfortable in his skin around you, I can promise he will eventually head for the hills - at least up there he can act like himself.
There you have it. Make him feel needed, appreciate him, and accept him like no one has before. I promise you, he will never leave your side because you are the only woman with the skills needed to keep him fully captivated.
