I remember in the early stages of my relationship with Kelly (my GF) we would go on long weekend trips away and have the most magical time ever. We would de-stress from work, have cocktails, go out to nice dinners, and just enjoy each other's company. However, we would come back on Monday and head to work.
I would go straight to full on work mode and totally focus on work. I wouldn't message her, call her, or really do anything because I was so focused on work.
If she didn't hear from me for a day or two it would drive her bonkers. She would be thinking, "WTF! We just had this magical weekend together, got so close to each other, and now that we are back into town Mike goes MIA. Why do men do this!!!!!???"
Well, I made a video that explains why and also what to do to get your manto come back. Check it out here:
So let's finish the discussion about Kelly and I. Should Kelly just accept that I don't talk to her or should I realize that Kelly wants to hear from me and start making the effort?
Well the answer is simple. Kelly and I needed to sit down and discuss each other needs. We also needed to be really curious about each other. For example, "Kelly, why do you want to hear from me?" "Well Mike, I felt like we just had the best time together and I really opened up to you and showed you my heart. However, when we come home and I don't hear from you, I wonder if 1. maybe you didn't have as good a time as me or you are starting to have 2nd thoughts about our relationship?"
In response, of course I would say, "I love our relationship and had the best time ever, thank you for sharing why you want to hear from me. I absolutely don't want you to feel that way and we will have to come up with a game plan for the future."
Next, it is Kelly's job to get curious with me. "Mike, I love how focused you are with work and really admire what you do. How come after a long weekend together I don't hear from you?"
My response. "I am sorry about that. I am a wildly singularly focused person. When I am with you, I am with you. When I am at work, I am working. When I get wrapped up in work, I guess it slips my mind to reach out to you."
In response, Kelly could say, "That makes total sense and I certainly don't want to bother you while working. However, you would make me feel so special if during a break you would shoot me a quick text or phone call to say hello."
Wowzers, how cool of a conversation was that? It came from a genuinely curious place and lead to both parties learning more about the partner. Instead of an escalated conversation where I could have said, "Ugh, I am working. Would you just leave me alone. I just spend 72 straight hours with you! Give me a break."
Or she could have said, "Mike, you never call me. I feel like all you care about is work. I wish you cared about me as much as you cared about work."
So what did we learn from all this?
GET CURIOUS! Any fight or argument is not really a fight. It is an opportunity to 1. learn how to express yourself better 2. a chance to learn more about your partner.
When you come from a place of curiosity and love, you and your partner will be able to find solutions that will be mindful of what both parties want.
Now, let's chat about why men pull away?
1. They crave independence
2. They crave completing tasks
3. Maybe the two of you just spent a lot of time together and he needs time away
Need more explanation than just these 3 bullet points, WELL WATCH THIS VIDEO!
What Should You Do When Your Guy Disappears?
Go have fun! When he comes back, don't give him shit. Instead say, "I am so happy to see you, get your but over here and give me a kiss." If you do this, he will be excited to come back to you and next time he needs space he will feel safe to come back and may also come back quicker knowing you will be receptive to see him.
Well, welcome into Kelly and I's relationship. I really got personal in this article, huh? Hope the advice helped because if Kelly finds this article I may get "the look." HaHa
See you guys next time!
Everything is going great.
You met someone who you really feel like you can develop a connection with.
Maybe you even went on a few dates.
Both of you seem interested, texting back and forth for days.
And then, suddenly...
Nothing.
It’s something everyone dreads, but which is experienced all too often.
Ghosting is defined as the cessation of all communication suddenly and without explanation.
For most, it is devastating and downright rude.
So what should you do if it happens to you?
Here are my thoughts...
Why It Is Done
First, it is important to understand the psychology behind ghosting.
The action of ghosting is definitely not new, but the methods and the ease with which people can get away with it is.
Because we are so reliant on our technology for dating and relationship building it’s often difficult to gauge how someone really feels.
After all, text doesn’t generally express tone.
Often times, people use impersonal technological methods to figure out how they feel about an individual. Equally common is the person realizing they are no longer interested after a brief period.
In an effort to avoid their own emotional discomfort, they simply break away without the courtesy of letting you know.
The worst part is, most people have done it at some point, creating a culture where it is taboo and somehow acceptable all at once.
But Ghosting is not acceptable and those who regularly do it probably aren’t ready to be in a relationship.
What You Should Do
That is not to say that there is nothing you can do.
Quite the contrary.
There are many steps you can take not only to make sure the other party is ghosting you, but also to potentially elicit a response.
Here are six tips you should follow. No cheating!
1. Make sure you’re actually being ghosted.
Sometimes people just don’t have the time to send messages.
Perhaps they mentioned a hectic schedule ahead or even a planned vacation.
Don’t jump to conclusions about someone’s intentions before you confirm them.
2. Don’t freak out.
False accusations of ghosting can be instant relationship killers.
No matter how it may appear, there are often simple answers for seemingly strange behaviors.
One thing I highly recommend:
Try to avoid checking out their social media and doing other things that would be deemed “stalkery behavior.”
There is no reason to add fuel to the flames, especially if you’re still unsure.
3. Reach out in a calm and lighthearted way.
If you haven’t heard from someone in a while, the best way to initiate is playfully.
Being abrasive and harsh is never a good idea, especially if it turns out you’re not actually being ignored.
Start out by saying something like “Hey, long time no speak!” or something similar that won’t be taken out of context.
This indicates that you are aware that the other party is being distant, but you’re not worried about it or pressuring them.
4. Stop texting.
After reaching out once, you can try one more polite text.
If you don’t get a response, STOP.
Text bombing is a great way to show someone that you are needy and insecure. And nobody finds that attractive.
At this point, it’s a waiting game.
The other person will either respond and explain themselves… Or they won’t.
5. Don’t call.
After texting twice, you may be tempted to try something more dramatic.
Don’t.
Aside from the fact that if their phone is working, they definitely got your messages, calling is just another way to demonstrate your inability to cope with what is happening.
But more on that later.
6. Don’t speak to their friends.
If you have some friends in common, don’t pursue an answer from them.
Relationships are personal things and getting others involved is usually not a good idea. Especially in this situation.
The one situation where I would recommend asking is if they bring it up.
If someone asks you how a relationship is going, you can nonchalantly ask if they know something.
Getting Over It
If you find that you have, indeed, been ghosted, it is critical that you be proactive about getting over it.
The first thing to keep in mind is that you did not do anything wrong.
Sometimes we fall into the trap of believing that it was our actions that caused someone to behave a certain way.
This is not the case and people are always responsible for the choices they make and the actions they take.
If you were being true to yourself in your conversations, it probably just means that they weren’t for you.
Rejection happens.
Once you come to that realization you can start moving on.
Go on some dates, do fun things, hang out with friends… It really doesn’t matter how you fill your time, as long as you are doing positive things.
If you want to post pictures on social channels that the other person is bound to see, go for it!
There is no use letting someone else control your emotions.
At least not publicly. :)
About the Author
Pauline Plott is a London-based blogger who became a dating guru after learning the psychology behind modern romance and signing up for every dating website in pursuit of relationship bliss. She shares her reviews and opinions on www.DatingSpot.co.uk.
"I don't want to be a nag." - Every Woman. "I don't want you to be a nag either." - Me
So every woman is terrified of being a nag. Rightfully so, because a woman that nags will send any man headed for the hills. But, a woman who sets boundaries can do it in a sexy way which will have men begging for more.Ready to learn how?
Watch this video:
So let's first understand why setting boundaries is going to enhance your relationships and then I will explain how to implement.
1. Why?
Men want women to make dating easier. What this means is men want women to give them a roadmap to their heart. If you tell him what you want, what you need, the guy that cares about you will do it. Now, many of you will say, "I don't want to tell him, I just want him to know." My response is "good luck." I am a professional dating expert and I can promise you I have no idea what my girlfriend wants on a random Tuesday. But, I love when she tells me, "I had a tough day today, will you give me a hug?"
2. How?
This is the scariest part because your biggest fear is turning into the naggy woman. So let's talk about proper implementation and improper with some examples.
Improper - "You never call me. I feel so unimportant to you."
Correct - "You would make me the happiest woman in the world if you called me a few times a week. You are such a great guy, and I know you are busy at work but I would feel so special if you found a few minutes just to say "hi."
Let's go back to Why?
Why is setting boundaries so important. If you do not feel heard in the relationship eventually you are going to snap and either leave the guy, be unhappy in the relationship, or lash out by yelling at your guy who probably had no idea he was doing anything wrong.
On the flip side, men LOVE when women communicate what they need. Yes, the busy guy may initially not be so excited that he needs to stop work to give you a call a few times a week. But after some time he is going to crave it. He is going to look forward to the part of his day where he gets to take a break and catch up with his best friend and lover. However, you are never going to get this unless you ask for it and most importantly ask for it in the right way, coming from a place of happiness and how to become even happier, not a place of complaining and nagging.
So I will leave you with this. If men like when you set boundaries and obviously you would like to be true to yourself and speak your mind what are you waiting for? Stop sitting on the sidelines and build your perfect relationship! Remember, setting boundaries is sexy!
Start writing your post here. You can insert images and videos by clicking on the icons above.
