I was listening to the song, Next Boyfriend, by Lauren Alaina and everything about it resonated with what I am trying to teach. Here are some of the lyrics:
You look a lot like my next boyfriend I can't believe how much you act like him You and me, we'd be unbelievable And I'm available No, I don't think it's a coincidence I put it all together, it makes sense Boy, you ain't no fling or a could've been You look a lot like my next boyfriend
First, "you look a lot like my next boyfriend". This resonated because to me it speaks about how a man treats you. It doesn't matter if you have the title, are on your first date or have been dating for 6 months. How does he treat you? Does he treat you how you want to be treated? If he doesn't, have you told him what you expect?
Next, "you and me, we'd be unbelievable and I'm available." I love this. There is zero insecurity, zero confusion. "I'm available." That is confidence and honesty personified. No hard to get, no games, just openness.
In terms of men that are looking for life partners, they are looking for honesty, confidence, and strong communication. When you can articulate what you want, you are also communicating that you are equipped to navigate tough conversations, like where to live, finances, and other potentially difficult sit downs that come up when joining two lives.
Finally, so many "experts" talk about making yourself less available and yes, that can work. But every scientific study discusses how the sexiest/most desirable trait in the opposite sex is confidence. So instead of worrying about your availability, how about focusing on confidence and if you know you want something, stating it.
I remember when I was single and in my mid twenties I would stay up at night and attempt to figure out what qualities I would need for a lifelong partner. I remember coming up with a decent game plan, and then going onto okcupid and searching vigorously for the girl. I would go on some dates and eventually find a girl worth pursuing. After a few dates or sometimes months I would realize that the girl was not right for me.
Looking back, there was a few things that were apparent.
1. I didn't totally know what I needed in a partner
2. I consistently and constantly would change my game plan on what qualities I needed in a woman
3. My list of must haves were things I wanted NOT needed
So what should you do to make sure you focus on the right men and don't waste time?
Build Your Perfect Man List:
1. List every quality and characteristic you want in a man
2. Rank Your Top 5
Moving forward, if a man has your top 5, keeping dating him. If he doesn't, dump him immediately. One caveat, if you are dating a guy and he makes you realize you need X, add X to the list and remove one of your other qualities.
Why is this list SO IMPORTANT?
Online dating has given all of us the ability to go on countless dates. I know when I processed each date I would determine if a 2nd date was happening purely on chemistry. That method does NOT work. Chemistry does not equate to a lifetime partnership.
So I beg of you, build this list, stop making willy-nilly dating decision, and treat finding love seriously. If finding a soul mate is important, only date people that have potential to obtain that elite status. So congatulations! You just made dating at least 10X more efficient. Go You!
I remember growing up believing once I fell in love, that would be it for me. No more dating around. I found her, time to get married and spend our lives together. However, at some point to my chagrin I realized love is not enough. Keeping a significant other involves a lot more than just love.
However, in this article I am going to tell you the 2 principles that will make it almost impossible to mess up a relationship that has love.
Without further ado:
1. Accept him for who he is
2. Appreciate him for what he does
Yes, these concepts are VERY SIMPLE. But, they are amazingly hard to execute. So I am going to dive a lot deeper on how to implement.
1. Let's start with accepting him. This means actually liking all his weird idiosyncrasies. This means making him feel good about his insecurities.
For example, I quit my stable corporate america job with a stable paycheck to start this business. My income is very varied and sporadic, which makes for not the most stable of boyfriends to eventually start a family with. However, my girlfriend admires my ability to face risk and everyday she pushes me to get small wins. She makes me feel confident in my decisions and even lifts me up on days where I think I should throw in the towel.
In turn, I feel that she completely accepts me for who I am and is not trying to change me.
2. Let's move onto appreciating him.
The male ego is fragile and needs to be bolstered constantly especially by the person who is supposed to lift it up.
In order to make my point clear I want to visit my friend Ryan and Noelle's marriage and eventually divorce. Background: College educated, great jobs, mid 30's, wonderful home, dog, and white picket fence. From the outside looks like the perfect marriage.
As homeowners, things would occasionally need to be fixed or renovated. Ryan would perform the tasks, the best he could. However, Noelle came from a family of carpenters. Thus, no matter how hard Ryan tried, his work was never sufficient. Instead of receiving appreciation for his efforts, Noelle would compare it to professionals, put Ryan down, complain, and then fix it herself.
Ryan was a confident strong man but eventually without recieving apperciation and encouragement from his wife he could no longer be loving and the great husband he usually is. Once, he stopped being a great husband, you can only imagine how the relationship snowballed and eventually ended in divorce.
Obviously, I over generalized all the causes of this divorce but the point still remains that a man needs to feel appreciated.
No matter what he is doing, you have an opportunity to make him feel like a million bucks if you want him to feel that way.
Examples: Takes garbage out, grab his arms and say, "You are so strong, thank you"
Does the dishes, "You are so sexy when you do the dishes"
Calls you on the phone, "Thanks for calling, it makes me so happy to hear from you"
Not only will these words of encouragement make him feel great but if you continue your positive reinforcement you can train him to repeat good behaviors. And guess what, he is going to be happy as can be to do these chores as long as you over appreciate him for it!
Want to learn how to train your man without changing him in more detail? Read this article.
In the meantime, remember to appreciate and accept him and you will never ever lose a man you love ever again!
