I remember in the early stages of my relationship with Kelly (my GF) we would go on long weekend trips away and have the most magical time ever. We would de-stress from work, have cocktails, go out to nice dinners, and just enjoy each other's company. However, we would come back on Monday and head to work.
I would go straight to full on work mode and totally focus on work. I wouldn't message her, call her, or really do anything because I was so focused on work.
If she didn't hear from me for a day or two it would drive her bonkers. She would be thinking, "WTF! We just had this magical weekend together, got so close to each other, and now that we are back into town Mike goes MIA. Why do men do this!!!!!???"
Well, I made a video that explains why and also what to do to get your manto come back. Check it out here:
So let's finish the discussion about Kelly and I. Should Kelly just accept that I don't talk to her or should I realize that Kelly wants to hear from me and start making the effort?
Well the answer is simple. Kelly and I needed to sit down and discuss each other needs. We also needed to be really curious about each other. For example, "Kelly, why do you want to hear from me?" "Well Mike, I felt like we just had the best time together and I really opened up to you and showed you my heart. However, when we come home and I don't hear from you, I wonder if 1. maybe you didn't have as good a time as me or you are starting to have 2nd thoughts about our relationship?"
In response, of course I would say, "I love our relationship and had the best time ever, thank you for sharing why you want to hear from me. I absolutely don't want you to feel that way and we will have to come up with a game plan for the future."
Next, it is Kelly's job to get curious with me. "Mike, I love how focused you are with work and really admire what you do. How come after a long weekend together I don't hear from you?"
My response. "I am sorry about that. I am a wildly singularly focused person. When I am with you, I am with you. When I am at work, I am working. When I get wrapped up in work, I guess it slips my mind to reach out to you."
In response, Kelly could say, "That makes total sense and I certainly don't want to bother you while working. However, you would make me feel so special if during a break you would shoot me a quick text or phone call to say hello."
Wowzers, how cool of a conversation was that? It came from a genuinely curious place and lead to both parties learning more about the partner. Instead of an escalated conversation where I could have said, "Ugh, I am working. Would you just leave me alone. I just spend 72 straight hours with you! Give me a break."
Or she could have said, "Mike, you never call me. I feel like all you care about is work. I wish you cared about me as much as you cared about work."
So what did we learn from all this?
GET CURIOUS! Any fight or argument is not really a fight. It is an opportunity to 1. learn how to express yourself better 2. a chance to learn more about your partner.
When you come from a place of curiosity and love, you and your partner will be able to find solutions that will be mindful of what both parties want.
Now, let's chat about why men pull away?
1. They crave independence
2. They crave completing tasks
3. Maybe the two of you just spent a lot of time together and he needs time away
Need more explanation than just these 3 bullet points, WELL WATCH THIS VIDEO!
What Should You Do When Your Guy Disappears?
Go have fun! When he comes back, don't give him shit. Instead say, "I am so happy to see you, get your but over here and give me a kiss." If you do this, he will be excited to come back to you and next time he needs space he will feel safe to come back and may also come back quicker knowing you will be receptive to see him.
Well, welcome into Kelly and I's relationship. I really got personal in this article, huh? Hope the advice helped because if Kelly finds this article I may get "the look." HaHa
See you guys next time!
It was Wednesday night in Manhattan, towards the end of summer, and the air was balmy. I was lying atop my bed, fully clothed, facing the guy I’d met online a few months prior. Tonight was our sixth date. We’d just got back from a delicious dinner at the Vietnamese place next to my apartment.
Six dates was no easy feat in New York. In my experience, budding romances tended to drop off around the two to four date mark. I was thrilled to have met a man who I wanted to continue getting to know, who liked me back. It was nice to lie quietly and comfortably next to him, belly full of Pho.
I told him that I was writing an article (this one), about messages that guys were really into, and asked if he had any ideas. To my surprise, he immediately recounted a handful of the messages I’d sent him that had struck a chord, and made him want to take things further. Here’s what they were:
1. COMPLIMENT HIM
I wrote: “You Seem Lovely”
Using the word ‘lovely’ was particularly British of me, but the main point is, he loved being complimented. What man doesn’t want to be told that he’s hot, funny, or has great hair? I get an especially high response rate online when I open a conversation by telling a guy how cute he looks in his pictures. Compliments make people feel good, and people always want more of what feels good.
Anything complimentary works, but make sure it’s genuine, and try not to overdo it. There’s no need to stop the compliments flowing when you start dating – flattery works wonders at all stages of relationships.
2. RAISE A SHARED INTEREST
I wrote: “Have you seen the Calder exhibition at the Whitney?”
One of his dating profile pictures was baseball related, which I knew nothing about, and another was at Storm King sculpture gallery – where I’d been, and loved. Rather than asking an obvious question (“so you like art”?), I made it specific. This conveyed that a) I also liked art, and b) I had new and exciting ideas. It also planted the seed for a fab second date…
Whether it’s a hobby you’ve picked up on from his online profile, or just something you know he’s into, bring it up. Ideally, choose something you’re also a fan of (or at least curious about), as you’ll have more to say about it. Not sure what his jam is? Ask him! He’ll be pleased you want to know.
3. DON’T BE AFRAID TO BE DIRECT
I wrote: “Here’s my number, lets go out”
This was his all time favorite message of mine. He loved that I took initiative, and didn’t wait passively for him to do the asking. It said that I was keen, a sure thing, and didn’t want to play games… it also implied that I had better things to do than to waste time (which I did).
Try throwing old-school stereotypes out the window and tell him you like him. Don’t hesitate to move things along to an in-person date – momentum is key. If he asked you out the first time, make the move to suggest date number two. If he’s feeling you, he’ll love the forwardness; if he’s not, it’s better to find out sooner. No matter what, he’ll be flattered.
4. SHOW YOU WERE LISTENING
I wrote: “Good luck with the presentation today”
He thought it was amazing that not only had I paid attention to his big upcoming presentation, but that I was sweet enough to send him a message the morning of. He said that this was one of the moments he knew he really liked me.
Make an effort to remember what he tells you, and proactively reference previous messages or face to face conversations. It shows that you listen, that you’re thoughtful, that you’re bright, and most importantly – that you care.
5. BUILD ANTICIPATION
I wrote: “I can’t wait to see you later”
Who wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of this message? He told me it conveyed that I was thinking about him, and was enthusiastic about our time together. It also suggested a sense of urgency and passion, which was hot.
This message can be adapted to incorporate just about anything you ‘can’t wait’ to do with him later – be as risque as you dare! Everyone loves something to look forward to…
When he relaid these five messages, at first I was underwhelmed. Was this not common sense? Apparently not. He said I’d be surprised how few love prospects ever messaged him this way. I wondered why…
My first hypothesis was that some women still think men should put in the upfront effort, and do all the message wooing. Well people; it’s 2017, and I think that’s plain lazy – not to mention it reinforces unhelpful, female disempowering gender norms.
My second hypothesis was that in today’s tech-heavy, fast-paced, choice-laden society, many don’t bother to communicate thoughtfully and consistently. Attention spans are shortening, and we are quick to move onto the next thing, or person. People just don’t have the patience to nurture new relationships via messaging.
I believe messaging can make or break a fledgling romance, and that sending considered, personal and positive messages is your best-chance approach. He will love any message that makes him feel special, interesting, heard, or desired. Wouldn’t you? Ensuring your zesty texts stand out in his inbox is a surefire ticket into love territory.
On that note, I’m off to write an important message… a suggestion for date number seven:
Hey handsome (1). Is the week as crazy as you feared? (4) I’m keen to pick up some cherries at the market you told me about (2). Free Saturday…? (3) Looking forward to seeing you again *insert blushing smiley face or cherry emoji here* (5).
Simple, right? Remember: a little effort goes a long way in the messaging universe.
About Your Author
Amelia is a British dating & lifestyle blogger, living her New York dream. Think Carrie Bradshaw but raunchier, and a lot more Jewish. Follow her blog, She Made the Move, for tempting tips on dating, eating and everything in between...
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A relationship, like most other things in life, happens in stages.
Each one builds on the last and they are a vital part of getting to the ultimate goal of most relationships: a lifetime together.
Understanding what stage you're in is important because it can help you determine whether or not you are moving forward and perhaps whether you even want to.
Listed below are the five stages that couples go through.
1. The Honeymoon Stage
Once you get past online matchmaking and the first few awkward dates, you enter the first stage of a relationship. Often referred to as the puppy love stage, this is the least real part of any relationship.
That’s because your infatuation with this newfound person blinds you to their flaws. This is not your fault, however. It’s just nature’s way of getting two people together in order to ensure they lay proper foundations that will be crucial later on.
In this stage you will talk every day and perhaps see one another just as often. You will ignore some things that you dislike in favor of ensuring that your partner can remain on a pedestal for as long as possible.
This period generally lasts a few months...
2. The Post-Honeymoon Stage
...And then, suddenly, your partner begins to lose their luster. Of course, you still like them (and perhaps even “love” them), but you start taking notice of their flaws and the things they do to get on your nerves.
It’s also during this stage that you begin to realize how much work it takes to maintain a relationship.
This stage results in a lot of breakups because in it people begin to consider whether the person they’re with actually meets their needs and desires. Often times, despite a strong emotional connection, people realize that the relationship might be dying.
3. The Steady Stage
If you’ve made it to the steady stage, congratulations! The post-honeymoon phase is one of the most difficult to conquer and once you do it, it means that you’re ready for true romance.
No longer are you driven by your lust, but rather by a deep love for your partner. Instead of formal dates, you are okay with hanging out with each other at home, watching TV or just eating casual meals together.
During this stage you will probably meet the parents and know all of your partner’s friends, all of whom probably find your little ‘couple-y’ idiosyncrasies extremely annoying!
4. The Comfortable Stage
The comfortable stage is both pleasant and dangerous.
It’s the stage where you can just be yourself without hiding any of your quirks or habits. If you wear makeup, you’re probably no longer compelled to do so in front of your partner. Everything just clicks as it should and you feel like it can last forever.
But therein lies the danger. At this point in a relationship, people become content. They often take their partner for granted and might even stop considering their needs and future plans. This usually isn’t done intentionally, it’s simply a result of relationship satisfaction.
This stage concludes with the final stage...
5. The Commitment Stage
After all of that time and effort, you’re finally in a relationship that works so well that you begin considering the future.
For some couples that future might involve marriage, for others, it’s just moving in together. No matter what it is, it’s a sign of full commitment to your partner.
This is the final stage of your relationship as two people dating and the beginning of something perhaps even more complex, but ultimately, much more rewarding, meaningful, and - dare I say it - beautiful.
I would like to end this article by reminding the reader that no relationship follows a perfect timeline and that having expectations or desires to move something that is still immature or unready move forward can be unhealthy.
That said, keep an eye out for the signs and you will find that your relationship has likely followed these predictable, yet important and meaningful stages.
From Your EZ Dating Coach - Mike Goldstein
These stages are spot on for the typical relationship. However, one very important thing to note is that if you get to any stage and feel like you didn't adequately experience one of the prior stages it is okay to take a step or two backwards. Your path doesn't need to be a straight line and based on a specific time frame. Every relationship is different and every person is different so no relationship formula will work for everyone. Thus feel free to make it to stage 4 and then head back to stage 2 or start talking about things in stage 5 but if you realize you need more time to work on the relationship head back to stage 4.
Anyway, happy dating folks, be good to your partner!
About the Author
Pauline Plott is a London-based blogger who became a dating guru after learning the psychology behind modern romance and signing up for every dating website in pursuit of relationship bliss. She shares her reviews and opinions on DatingSpot.co.uk.
