Mike,
I brought my boyfriend of three months home to meet my mom. Later in the week I spoke with my mom and she said she didn't trust the guy and something was not right. Should I tell my boyfriend my mom doesn't like him? What should I do?
Molly
Molly,
Thanks for the great question. When we were teenagers, the romeo and juliet effect was alive and well, when parents didn't approve our significant other, more times than not we were pushed closer to them. However, now as adults we want our families to get along with our potential future husband. In an ideal world we picture our families blending and potentially spending holidays and other events together. In order for this to happen, we need everyone to get along.
You asked, "should you tell your boyfriend your mom doesn't like him?"
I would suggest waiting. If you have a guy that treats you well, like you deserved to be treated, your mother will eventually see how he treats you. Now, assuming your mother has your best interests at heart, when she sees the great treatment you receive, she most likely will start to warm up to your new boyfriend.
Bringing in new people to an already set family dynamic can be challenging. A mother could be accustomed to receiving your undivided attention. However, now she may be receiving less quality time because you now need to divide your attention between her and your new boyfriend. It is important that you are sensitive to your mother's need and will most likely want to start a dialogue with her to see how she feels about the new dynamic.
Is she still receiving what she needs out of her mother/daughter relationship?
Through strong communications, and a willingness to adapt to new social dynamics, hopefully all parties will be able to find a new normal and through time your great boyfriend and mother should grow closer together.
I remember when I was single and in my mid twenties I would stay up at night and attempt to figure out what qualities I would need for a lifelong partner. I remember coming up with a decent game plan, and then going onto okcupid and searching vigorously for the girl. I would go on some dates and eventually find a girl worth pursuing. After a few dates or sometimes months I would realize that the girl was not right for me.
Looking back, there was a few things that were apparent.
1. I didn't totally know what I needed in a partner
2. I consistently and constantly would change my game plan on what qualities I needed in a woman
3. My list of must haves were things I wanted NOT needed
So what should you do to make sure you focus on the right men and don't waste time?
Build Your Perfect Man List:
1. List every quality and characteristic you want in a man
2. Rank Your Top 5
Moving forward, if a man has your top 5, keeping dating him. If he doesn't, dump him immediately. One caveat, if you are dating a guy and he makes you realize you need X, add X to the list and remove one of your other qualities.
Why is this list SO IMPORTANT?
Online dating has given all of us the ability to go on countless dates. I know when I processed each date I would determine if a 2nd date was happening purely on chemistry. That method does NOT work. Chemistry does not equate to a lifetime partnership.
So I beg of you, build this list, stop making willy-nilly dating decision, and treat finding love seriously. If finding a soul mate is important, only date people that have potential to obtain that elite status. So congatulations! You just made dating at least 10X more efficient. Go You!
Have you ever went on three dates with a great guy, like Nathan? The conversation flows, he is respectful, charming, and you even feel some butterflies when you think about him. More than that, you have start picturing what a life together could be. How exciting! But wait, out of nowhere, the calls, the texts, they all stop. He must have turned into a ghost, because he has fully disappeared!
What should you do?
I want you to send him 100 text messages in a row. Just kidding, don't do that!
However, I am about to give you the best and easiest advice I have ever given. I want you to do nothing. Let's see if he reaches out. If he does, great, respond like you normally would. If he doesn't well I guess he is not interested.
When I say not interested, I mean to say, he is not looking for what you are offering. It doesn't mean you aren't great, good enough for him, or a wonderful person. It simply means he is looking for something different. Be happy he has figured this out after only three dates instead of after 9 months of dating. Thankfully he has saved both of you a lot of time.
If you ever see this guy at the gym or grocery store make sure to be friendly and grateful that he was courteous enough to cut things off early rather than waste your time. Also, if you are still single when you see him PLEASE PLEASE have no shame to your game and do the following.
Say something like, "Hey, great to see you. You know, I thought you were a really great guy. Obviously, you weren't interested which is perfectly fine, but by any chance do you have any single friends that are just as great as you?"
Why is this the best two sentences ever?
1. You are complimenting someone (Good deed for the day #Done)
2. You know this guy has some of the qualities you want, I bet one of his friends has even more of the qualities you need. You are asking for a referral from someone who probably has access to someone who will be high quality.
