I remember when I was single and in my mid twenties I would stay up at night and attempt to figure out what qualities I would need for a lifelong partner. I remember coming up with a decent game plan, and then going onto okcupid and searching vigorously for the girl. I would go on some dates and eventually find a girl worth pursuing. After a few dates or sometimes months I would realize that the girl was not right for me.
Looking back, there was a few things that were apparent.
1. I didn't totally know what I needed in a partner
2. I consistently and constantly would change my game plan on what qualities I needed in a woman
3. My list of must haves were things I wanted NOT needed
So what should you do to make sure you focus on the right men and don't waste time?
Build Your Perfect Man List:
1. List every quality and characteristic you want in a man
2. Rank Your Top 5
Moving forward, if a man has your top 5, keeping dating him. If he doesn't, dump him immediately. One caveat, if you are dating a guy and he makes you realize you need X, add X to the list and remove one of your other qualities.
Why is this list SO IMPORTANT?
Online dating has given all of us the ability to go on countless dates. I know when I processed each date I would determine if a 2nd date was happening purely on chemistry. That method does NOT work. Chemistry does not equate to a lifetime partnership.
So I beg of you, build this list, stop making willy-nilly dating decision, and treat finding love seriously. If finding a soul mate is important, only date people that have potential to obtain that elite status. So congatulations! You just made dating at least 10X more efficient. Go You!
Have you ever said "I Love You" to your new significant other and in return heard crickets? If you have, you know this might be one of the worst feelings. It leaves you insecure, worried, and also puts a lot of pressure/strain on the relationship.
If you are feeling love for your partner should you blurt it out immediately?
Unlike almost every other blog post, I am NOT going to give you a definitive answer. I am simply going to tell you what happens in both instances and let you decide which scenario works better for you.
First, let's discuss saying "I Love You" as soon as you are feeling it.
Positives:
1. No secrets, open lines of communication (Very Healthy Trait to have in a relationship)
2. YOU feel stress relieved by getting it off your chest (I bolded YOU because sometimes speaking is purely for the benefit of the person speaking, not the listener)
3. Saying "I Love You" is one of the best compliments you can give a person
Negatives:
1. The person does not feel the same way
2. When you say "I love you", you don't want to say it once. You want to shout it from the rooftops. If he/she doesn't say it back, you must likely are not going to be saying it again for awhile.
3. If the person is not ready to say it back and doesn't, for the next few weeks/months there could be immense pressure to say it or end the relationship.
I know many men/including myself that have had a woman say "I Love You" first have seen strain put on the relationship. The lack of the term of endearment being reciprocated caused conversations like "Where is this relationship headed and so forth" (Although a great conversation to have, imagine what you will feel when he says, "I want to get married one day but I am not there yet". Coupled with not saying "I love you", the average person would feel pretty insecure in the relationship and it could bubble over to questioning the stability of the partnership. Do YOU want to add this pressure?
Second, lets visit holding "I Love You" in to wait for your partner to catch up.
Positives:
1. No pain, insecurity from potentially not hearing the words back
2. Zero Risk
3. Keeping the relationship light and airy so the guy can eventually on his own terms get to feelings of love and more importantly wanting to spend the rest of his life with you. (Note: It is not easy to find love, but based on the divorce right and the amount of monogamous relationships that end it is clearly way harder to find and make a life partnership work)
Negatives:
1. Suppressing your feelings
2. Maybe he loves you too and his scared to say it too (stalemate)
3. If you are dying to tell someone how you feel, it is really hard to keep it a secret.
4. If you love him and he doesn't love you back, it may end a relationship that was never going to work anyway
Alright ladies and gentleman, that is the breakdown of telling your significant other, "I Love You" first. I hope you can weigh the pros and cons and make a decision that is right for you. I know after re-reading my pros and cons I am certainly leaning towards one direction being the correct approach.
Which approach do you think is better?
