Have you ever experienced this?... You come home after a long day at work, hoping to finally relax. When you walk through the door, you are met with a sink full of dishes or a messy room and that is the last straw. Why is he so messy? You're too tired for this! Why should you have to clean up after him?
You might start yelling because you are so frustrated. This leads to him either ignoring you or getting frustrated with you. Why are you nagging him? It's no big deal!
Research shows that when a man comes home from work, his stress level drops significantly. When a woman comes home from work, she brings the stress home with her. This is because when a woman is at work, she is on her male side all day long. You can't show negative feelings like discontent, frustration, disappointment, or feelings of inadequacy at work. Once a woman gets home, she experiences an increase in her cortisol, the appropriately titled "stress hormone". This leads to her being hypercritical of her surroundings. This is overwhelming, stressful, and difficult to process. When you suppress your emotions all day it's only a matter of time before BANG! ...you explode! As the woman points out everything that's wrong, the man feels attacked and frustrated and most likely not open to changing the behavior that upset her.
So, how can you get him to change his negative behavior?
Step 1: Don't Try To Change Him From A Place Of Discontent
If you approach him with negativity and anger he will only resist. Recognize that you are stressed, angry, and coming at him with that energy will only make things worse. To calm down, take a step back and search for happiness outside of your environment. Look inside.
Step 2: Take Time To do The Things That Make You Happy
If it doesn't make you happy to clean up after him, don't do it! Go somewhere or do something that does makes you happy. Your body needs an increase of estrogen and progesterone. You can get that by engaging in both social bonding and you time. You can also get a boost by giving. That leads us to Step 3...
Step 3: Understand What He Needs
Where does happiness come from? Giving! It makes the person you are giving to feel good and it makes you feel good. He doesn't want you to clean up after him and resent him. Like you, he wants you to understand what he needs. So, what does he need? He needs to feel appreciated, accepted, and trusted. He might not be the tidiest person in the world but he does have traits that you love and appreciate. Focus on those characteristics, show him love, and give him what he needs.
Step 4: Ask Him For Help
Ask him for help and show him appreciation after a job well done. When a man feels appreciated, his testosterone goes up and he feels good. When he feels underappreciated, he feels inadequate and he crashes, becoming passive and deflated.
Let's sum it up... You notice a behavior, like being messy, that is driving you crazy... detach from trying to change him, do something that makes you happy, give him the acceptance and trust that he needs, ask for his help, and show him appreciation. Following these steps will help him to change the negative behavior through positive reinforcement. It will also help you avoid a conflict and it will ultimately bring you closer together.
Having said that, it is important that you don't let your feelings go unheard. After you take a step back, you might notice that the thing that you were upset about wasn't really that big of a deal. Whether the issue is big or small, you can release some of the stress of the day by talking to your partner. One helpful technique would be to talk for a few minutes about any negative things that you encountered during your day, followed with some positive things in your life. Even if your partner doesn't say anything, just having him there to talk things through can really help. You will receive an increase in oxytocin, making you feel better, and your partner will see that talking to him helped you, making him feel good about himself. That's pure pair bonding in the most powerful way.
Check out this video for more information from John Gray, the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus":
Wondering if you would be a good fit for coaching with EZ Dating Coach? Book A complimentary 15 minute strategy session HERE and find out. Let's get you a high quality man that will be yours forever.
EZ Dating Coach, Mike Goldstein's, friend was on top of the world when she got back from a romantic vacation with her boyfriend. She felt like they really bonded and truly connected on their trip. She was taken off guard when they returned home and he suddenly went emotionally M.I.A. All he wanted to do was be alone and play video games! What happened? Does he not love her anymore?
Believe it or not, men actually tend to pull away more when they are in love. Research shows that when men fall in love, their testosterone level drops. This is due to an increase in their estrogen and oxytocin levels. As a man gets closer to a woman, it awakens his female side, bringing out characteristics and qualities such as vulnerability, interdependence, and being emotional and nurturing. If it gets to be too much, it can suppress their masculine side. This makes the man want to pull away to try to feel independent and quiet his mind, to solve problems and achieve his goals, and ultimately increase his male energy and testosterone.
Watching your man pull away can leave you feeling confused or hurt. You can take comfort in knowing that he is not pulling away from you because he loves you any less. He is simply searching for balance.
Check out this video to hear what John Gray, the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus", has to say regarding this topic:
Wondering if you would be a good fit for coaching with EZ Dating Coach? Book A complimentary 15 minute strategy session HERE and find out. Let's get you a high quality man that will be yours forever.
Has this ever happened to you?... You're in a relationship and everything is going great and then BOOM!... He disappears! This is a very common issue. So many women are left baffled when their boyfriend suddenly becomes distant. Do you want to know something else that these women have in common? They all blame themselves or feel anger and frustration toward their boyfriends.
"What did I do wrong?"
"Why is he acting like this?"
"Does he not care about me at all?"
In a panic, they reach out for answers but it only seems to push him further and further away. One of EZ Dating Coach, Mike Goldstein's, friend experienced the same thing. She and her boyfriend have been together for a long time and they were as happy as could be. Suddenly, out of nowhere, her boyfriend disappeared! Worried that something was wrong, she reached out to make sure that he was OK. He remained distant and only seemed to pull away more. That made her worried that she did something wrong. It turned out that it had nothing to do with her. He was stressed out at work and just needed a little space. The issue was solved when Mike helped her to realize that all that she had to do was give her boyfriend the space that he needed.
Men will often detach as a way to try to manage stress. This can feel like a shock to their partner, often leaving them wondering what went wrong. Of course, the first thing you should do is reach out and make sure that everything is OK. Any further questions after that might feel overwhelming to the man who is just trying to relax. Questions that come from a place of genuine love and concern can be seen as naggy and irritating. This may cause frustration, creating a larger problem in the end.
So, what can you do when your man disappears? Reaffirm that you are there for him if he needs you and then give him space. Use this time to connect with other things that make you happy. Everyone deals with stress in their own way. It may feel strange because it is different from the way that you handle stress but try to remember that his being distant has nothing to do with you or your relationship. Give him time and space to work through everything or decompress.
Want to learn more? John Gray, the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus", shares his insights on this topic and delves into how these issues have evolved throughout history in the video below:
Wondering if you would be a good fit for coaching with EZ Dating Coach? Book A complimentary 15 minute strategy session HERE and find out. Let's get you a high quality man that will be yours forever.
