It is a story as old as time. You are bombarded by messages from men that say "hi", "you are sexy", or something even less appealing. However, finally, after sifting through countless messages you encounter a guy that may be promising. You strike up some good back and forth banter, have a bunch in common and then suddenly out of nowhere he disappears off the face of the earth. It leaves you wondering, "Did I do something wrong?"
The answer is maybe. Let me explain.
But first, by the end of this article I want you to fully understand the online dating experience for a man looking for a serious relationship.
First, man takes a bunch of time to write a profile and select photos. Next, he scours the site for a woman that first catches his eye and even more difficult has a profile that shows their lives would mesh well. (Similar interests and no deal breakers)
Now, he either writes a charming message or simply writes "hi".
Why do men looking for a relationship say "hi?"
Men have to send a lot of messages online in order to get one response
Men are tired of writing what they perceive as well crafted messages in order to just be rejected by not receiving a response. Thus, some men may simply say "hi" in order to see if you are interested and after they get a "hi" in return they may write something a little more sophisticated.
Thus, my advice is to not judge men strictly on their message, but on their message and their profile. A strong, well written profile and/or high match %, should compensate for a weak message. (Profile Pictures should simply be used as he is not disgusting, any more time spent on photos is a waste!)
Back to the original topic, you finally got a guy roped into your spell and he disappears. Did you mess it up?
For the Sophia Vergaras of the world who get 20 messages a day and are drop dead gorgeous, they should make men jump through a few hoops in order to get a date. These men are interested in more than just her looks.
For the rest of us, the average people, it is okay to have some back and forth in order to build some comfort. However, if you notice a trend where guy after guy disappears, here is how you fix it. Get to an in person date much faster!
It is okay to say, "Thanks for the note. I am not a huge fan of chatting online, I prefer to see if there is some chemistry in person, let me know if you would like grab a coffee (or drink) sometime?"
Why is this so effective?
Most men hate chatting online, texting, and even speaking on the phone. Men want to be in person. Men want to see if they are attracted to you in person. Men want to see if they are wasting time or not.
Some of you are going to say, "You want me to ask a guy out?"
The answer is emphatically, "Yes!"
It doesn't matter who asks who out first. All that matters is that when you meet, you like each other. Now, if you go back and forth online for too long you jeopardize losing a guys interest.
Unless you are Sophia Vergara, get to the date ASAP, and figure out quickly if you would be willing to say "yes" to a 2nd date.
The more you play the game the guy wants to play instead of the game you want to play, the easier you are to date. The easier you are to date, the more excited a guy is to pursue you. Make it too hard and most men will give up.
Which leads me to your next rebuttal, "Shouldn't I be waiting for the guy who doesn't give up?"
The answer is yes, but if you make it too hard, you may be waiting a long time. Now, I am not asking you to bow to his ever need, but I am asking you, now that you know how he thinks, perhaps make his life a little easier. Remove a man's chance of rejection and he will be one happy man. A happy man is a man who is going to pursue you, cherish you, and make you feel special.
One of the biggest complaints my female clients have are guys bombarding them with nude picture requests. That and unwanted penis pictures.
This behavior can be fun and make a relationship more exciting when both parties are comfortable with each other. But in the early stages of dating, a naked photo request puts women in an awkward situation.
On one end you probably don’t want to send a naked picture to someone you're still getting to know. On the other side you don’t want the man to feel rejected.
With that in mind I give you my patented "naked photo" request response:
"I love sending photos but I reserve that fun for men I’m in an exclusive relationship with. Maybe someday that will be you. Until then you’ll have to earn it."
I love this response because men should be rewarded when they perform the behavior you want them to perform.
In this case, you want this man to continue to chase/court you, but in a less sexual fashion—for now. Once he does the preferred behavior of making the relationship exclusive, he will earn the possibility of photos if you feel comfortable.
In general, men need to receive more benefits in a relationship then when they are casually dating. It will motivate them to get into a relationship and eliminate the fear of being committed.
Here are some other ways to intice them:
1. Priority response to texts/phone calls
2. Special sex reserved for monogamy
3. Availability to weekend dates and prime nights; Friday/Saturday Night
4. On demand sex
5. More active role in understanding your man and making him comfortable
6. Cooked meals for the week
7. Love notes
Bottom line is the transition to monogamy should be one of triumph and a better lifestyle together. Not handcuffs and regret. Now go out there and make men throw their hands up in the air in pure happiness to be with you!
During my online dating days, one of my biggest frustrations was communicating electronically with people for extended periods of time.
The back-and-forth messaging went on for days and I was never quite sure if the other person liked me or not. I also wasn’t a very witty or charming writer, which gave people who were a huge advantage over me.
I did feel, however, that I was a personable date once we met face-to-face, so I had to figure out a way to go from chatting online to meeting for the first date quickly.
Here’s how you do it.
(The following advice is strictly for women. My advice for men is entirely different.)
"Thanks for messaging me. (Answer whatever question he asked in 1-2 sentences). I'm not huge on chatting online. I would rather meet in person to see if there's any chemistry. When you get a free moment, let me know if you want to grab a drink sometime?"
This approach may seem a little forward, but it isn’t.
Men love a strong confident woman who goes after what she wants. Don't be timid. If you want to meet a guy, ask him. After the first date, go back to waiting for him to ask you out. That way you quickly figure out if he’s truly interested in you.
On a side note, men hate chatting online too. The reason they do it is because they think most women prefer it. If you take the initiative you’ll make his life better by getting both of you out of digital purgatory and into real world dating.
