How to Have a First Conversation With a Man

I see thousands of first conversations. They happen when I am running speed dates or bringing clients out into the field or at networking events. Every day, millions of people are having a first conversation. For many people, this is something that they struggle with. Whether it’s some social anxiety, a natural inclination to introspectiveness or that you don’t know how best to showcase yourself, holding conversations can be difficult for some people. Now add to the fact that it’s someone that you’re interested in and your synapses and hormones are caroming everywhere. It can be a nerve-wracking affair! So here are some tips to help get that first conversation off to a roaring start!

1. Ask positive emotional questions

In order to stand out and create some great chemistry, avoid the normal, logical, “dating interview” questions like, “Where are you from,” “What do you do,” and “Where did you go to school.” We’ve all had to ask and answer those questions thousands of times. Boring! Instead, learn to ask them emotionally. This will make them remember happy moments, feel happy and intertwine you with their positive feelings.

Examples:

2. Have stories that illustrate your best qualities

There are masculine and feminine energies. Everyone should have a mix of both. Some examples of masculine traits/energies are: risk taking, assertiveness and competitiveness. A few samples of feminine traits/energies are: nurturing, sociability and empathy. You want to make sure that you showcase these characteristics as they are some of the things that men (unknowingly or not) are looking for. I am NOT saying to downplay any aspect of you, just to bring these energies to the forefront. And like anything, don’t list, describe. Instead of saying you’re compassionate, tell a story where your compassion takes center stage.

3. Compliment men correctly

We all like compliments! They make us feel good and show that we are notices and appreciated by others. However, men and women are built differently so it would make sense that we should complement each other differently. Many of the compliments that mean a lot to women are based around physicality and beauty. “That is a beautiful dress!” “You’re looking lovely tonight!” And while, yes, it’s nice to know that you like the color of our shirt, it doesn’t affect us the same way. As men, we like to feel that we are capable, virile and respected. Tell us that we are strong, congratulate us on how we handled a difficult situation, compliment our skill at the pool table. These things will puff us up and make us feel needed and appreciated. I know that you can carry that box up the stairs because you are a strong and capable woman. However, if you say, “I know you’re strong, would you mind carrying this for me?” you’ll immediately tap into what makes us men!

4. Understand the man’s mind

On average, a woman speaks 30,000 words a day while men only use 10,000. That doesn’t mean that we don’t communicate, it’s just that we don’t use words as much. So when I have my male clients, I suggest they up their word game and when I coach women, I recommend that they truncate themselves a bit. Going into excessive detail responding to, “How was your day,” is not what a man is looking for. Save the deep delving for your close girlfriends. Instead, try and mirror how he talks. If he responds to a question with 5-7 sentences, keep your responses to 5-7 sentences. That way, you’ll keep his interest and leave him wanting more!

About Author

Hunt Ethridge is a Dating and Relationship expert who has helped hundreds of men and women over the last decade. He is the founder of International Dating Coach Association and has written over 100 articles across all mediums on the subject of dating and love. You can find more of Hunt's advice at HuntForAdvice.com.

When Men Are In Love Why Do They Pull Away?

Who is John Gray?

Author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, #1 best selling non-fiction author of all time and the leading expert on relationships.

What is this video about?

Men pull away more when they are in love.

Men need 10 to 30 times more testosterone than women.

Women need 10 times more estrogen than men.

Your Man pulls away to get balance. It is an opportunity for him to replenish his testosterone levels. It is perfectly normal for your guy after a long weekend together to disappear for awhile. He will look to accomplish things at work, solve problems, or participate in activities away from you. This is done in order to replenish his testosterone levels.

What Should You Do When He Disappears?

You should go spend time with your girlfriends, go to brunch, go shopping, go do anything that is fun for you that has nothing to do with him. Once your man has refilled his testosterone he will return. The less you reach out to him during this period of him being in his "man cave" the quicker and more excited he will be to return.

If you do feel the need to reach out to him, send him a picture of you having fun with your girlfriends. If he knows that you are accepting of him pulling away and are still happy with him he will feel a lot more comfortable to come back to you. Not to mention, he will want to take credit for some of your happiness. ;)

One Way to Vet Men Who Are Takers, Not Givers

Let’s really get real here, my love seeking friends. Most of us are not just looking for someone to have a few dinners or frolics between the sheets with. Most of us are looking for a love partner with staying power and a lifetime mate. So, with that end goal in mind, let’s reverse engineer a successful relationship: ME + ME = WE. Two separate “MEs” must merge, turn upside down, and morph into a “WE”. This is easier said than done. Why? Because attraction is often driven by the more superficial stuff like professional success, sex appeal, good pedigree, etc. The standout resume is great but the important stuff lies way beneath the surface. For instance, can the individual that you are dating ever freely give a gift or do a favor for you without feeling resentful? Does this person ever say something like “I want today, or this weekend, to be about you” and back it up with something concrete like buying tickets to an event that you want to attend (that he or she would never purchase otherwise)? Can he or she surprise you with something special—just because—with no hidden agenda?

It’s about the two way street, baby. Give. Take. Take. Give. If the seesaw doesn’t alternate between up and down then no one is having a lot of fun in the dating playground. Smart daters have to learn to identify and vet those that just Take, Take, Take because these people may be fun for a little while, but they are not capable of sustaining a healthy relationship for the long haul. A long-term partnership or marriage is very challenging, even for the most loving individuals, because sometimes you have to put your own needs aside and be entirely selfless. Not all of the time, but some of the time. It’s a mission that is not for the faint of heart. In fact, probably half of the people getting married today don’t even have a clue that this is part of the commitment job description. No wonder so many of us are getting fired (divorced)!

As The DateMeister®, I tell people seeking success in love to try and identify (as early as possible in a relationship) those people who, somewhere along the line, got the dysfunctional message that Love is a zero sum game. These disordered individuals feel that if they give something of value to someone else, that there is less for them. One of the most important red flags indicating this is how they really feel about spending money on you and other important people in their lives. My most recent ex seemed to resent having to work although he owned his own business and called his own shots and made a nice living. He would get annoyed if there were any unexpected expenses having to do with seeing me or taking care of his daughter. Very directly I told him that girlfriends and daughters cost money and that that is part of life. I saw signs of this much earlier in the relationship and I never should have let it get to the point where I even had to hear him complain. But, unfortunately, many of us who want love very much make excuses for the people that we are dating like “She’s having a bad day” or “He lost a lot of money to his divorce”. If you want to find the real deal—the one with sticking power—you have to be willing to buy a one way ticket to the “No Excuse Zone” because, perhaps, the biggest red flags of all are the little voices inside our own heads saying: “It’s OK because. . .”.

About Your Author

Mary Reilly is a Purposepreneur and Dating Expert & Coach (The DateMeister (www.thedatemeister.com), @DateMeister). She hosts unique singles events and has partnered with Flavor Catering for food-centric events in NYC and on the Jersey Shore. She is currently co-authoring a book (with Martin Kelly, Ph.D.) entitled “Date Defensively: How To Know When To Get Off At The Next Exit” and is also a copy writer. She has a BA in English (cum laude) from William Smith College, and a MBA in Marketing & Finance from Columbia Business School. Mary would like to prevent other women and men from ignoring the red flags that their date may be personality disordered and ending up heartbroken, abused, in an unhappy marriage, or divorced.