I was listening to the song, Next Boyfriend, by Lauren Alaina and everything about it resonated with what I am trying to teach. Here are some of the lyrics:
You look a lot like my next boyfriend I can't believe how much you act like him You and me, we'd be unbelievable And I'm available No, I don't think it's a coincidence I put it all together, it makes sense Boy, you ain't no fling or a could've been You look a lot like my next boyfriend
First, "you look a lot like my next boyfriend". This resonated because to me it speaks about how a man treats you. It doesn't matter if you have the title, are on your first date or have been dating for 6 months. How does he treat you? Does he treat you how you want to be treated? If he doesn't, have you told him what you expect?
Next, "you and me, we'd be unbelievable and I'm available." I love this. There is zero insecurity, zero confusion. "I'm available." That is confidence and honesty personified. No hard to get, no games, just openness.
In terms of men that are looking for life partners, they are looking for honesty, confidence, and strong communication. When you can articulate what you want, you are also communicating that you are equipped to navigate tough conversations, like where to live, finances, and other potentially difficult sit downs that come up when joining two lives.
Finally, so many "experts" talk about making yourself less available and yes, that can work. But every scientific study discusses how the sexiest/most desirable trait in the opposite sex is confidence. So instead of worrying about your availability, how about focusing on confidence and if you know you want something, stating it.
I get female clients into relationships 83% of the time. Why am I telling you this, because I want you to not just read my advice, but actually use it and be successful.
When I was in my mid 20's I was a successful sales professional. In my prior life I had been ranked as high as #2 out of 5,000 sales people. After leaving the insurance industry I was looking for my next challenge. An ex-partner of IBM and I linked up and quickly built a strong bond. He believed in my sales acumen and asked me to single handily open a NY IT consulting branch. I knew nothing about IT but at the time believed sales is sales, I can do it!
My boss knew I didn't know anything about IT and gave me specific orders. "Go make friends with anyone in IT and if people like you they will fill their consulting needs through you." Easy enough. During my journey to make friends, I remember setting up an appointment to meet with an IT director at a fortune 500 company. I was confirming the appointment on the phone and he said,
"Mike, I am not sure if you want to meet with me right now, my company is on a hiring freeze"
I said, "I understand Alex, I make my friends when times are bad, so when things turn around you know exactly who to call"
We met that day, and like Alex said, he had nothing for me. However, I said "Alex, I want to continue this relationship, in one month I am going to take you out to lunch."
At that lunch I received an opportunity to submit a proposal for a project as well as received a job description to fill a consulting role. Less than a week later I made my first sale with Alex.
Over the next three years, I was always his first call whenever he needed anything, including when he left his firm and become CTO at another company.
"Mike, why the heck did you tell me this story?"
Very simple. "If you don't know, go" - Brian Murrow
This means, if a guy asks you on a date and you are not sure. Go on the date!
Why is this so important?
Women are constantly complaining about the quality of their dates not being good. However, women are disqualifying dates for valid reasons but NOT for the most important reasons.
Let's say these are the 5 things you need in a life partner: (Here is How You Build this List for Yourself)
1. Great Communicator
2. Positive Attitude
3. Passionate about his work
4. Lives a healthy lifestyle
5. Trustworthy
Do NOT disqualify men UNLESS with 100% certainty you are sure they are missing one or more of your 5 required qualities.
For example, today one of my clients called me and said a guy she was texting with, (have not been on a date yet), asked, "I want to know where this is headed, I am only looking for marriage, are you ultimately looking to get married?"
Now from her perspective, she is like why is this stranger asking me if I want to get married. It seems like the question is coming a little soon. My client was freaked out and debating canceling the date.
However, although I 100% agreed that the guy was too forward by asking this question. I actually felt more secure having my client date this man. I know that he is serious and most likely won't waste her time.
Also, although it wasn't the best dating etiquette, this guy still appears to have our 5 must haves from above, or at least we aren't sure yet if he doesn't. Since "you don't know, go!"
Now, if you found out he smokes cigarettes, and doesn't work out. Well, that doesn't fit into a healthy lifestyle and you 100% should cancel the date. No need to waste time.
Final Point: Men probably have about 10% of the social/verbal skills that women do.
Why?
Remember, when we were kids on the playground. The boys would play kill the carrier and women would be huddled into a circle chatting. (Obviously I am over simplify just to explain a point)
Well, the women gained vital social skills and exponentially increased their verbal skills. Men, on the other hand did not get these skills.
Thus, men are going to fumble on the phone, whether speaking or texting. Bare with the guy, he only has 10% of your ability in this area. Hopefully, he makes up for it in other areas.
Bottom line, don't exclude men on minor mistakes, but do remove men if they are missing your non negotiables. If you need to learn the proper way to build your 5 non-negotiable's list, go here.
It is a story as old as time. You are bombarded by messages from men that say "hi", "you are sexy", or something even less appealing. However, finally, after sifting through countless messages you encounter a guy that may be promising. You strike up some good back and forth banter, have a bunch in common and then suddenly out of nowhere he disappears off the face of the earth. It leaves you wondering, "Did I do something wrong?"
The answer is maybe. Let me explain.
But first, by the end of this article I want you to fully understand the online dating experience for a man looking for a serious relationship.
First, man takes a bunch of time to write a profile and select photos. Next, he scours the site for a woman that first catches his eye and even more difficult has a profile that shows their lives would mesh well. (Similar interests and no deal breakers)
Now, he either writes a charming message or simply writes "hi".
Why do men looking for a relationship say "hi?"
Men have to send a lot of messages online in order to get one response
Men are tired of writing what they perceive as well crafted messages in order to just be rejected by not receiving a response. Thus, some men may simply say "hi" in order to see if you are interested and after they get a "hi" in return they may write something a little more sophisticated.
Thus, my advice is to not judge men strictly on their message, but on their message and their profile. A strong, well written profile and/or high match %, should compensate for a weak message. (Profile Pictures should simply be used as he is not disgusting, any more time spent on photos is a waste!)
Back to the original topic, you finally got a guy roped into your spell and he disappears. Did you mess it up?
For the Sophia Vergaras of the world who get 20 messages a day and are drop dead gorgeous, they should make men jump through a few hoops in order to get a date. These men are interested in more than just her looks.
For the rest of us, the average people, it is okay to have some back and forth in order to build some comfort. However, if you notice a trend where guy after guy disappears, here is how you fix it. Get to an in person date much faster!
It is okay to say, "Thanks for the note. I am not a huge fan of chatting online, I prefer to see if there is some chemistry in person, let me know if you would like grab a coffee (or drink) sometime?"
Why is this so effective?
Most men hate chatting online, texting, and even speaking on the phone. Men want to be in person. Men want to see if they are attracted to you in person. Men want to see if they are wasting time or not.
Some of you are going to say, "You want me to ask a guy out?"
The answer is emphatically, "Yes!"
It doesn't matter who asks who out first. All that matters is that when you meet, you like each other. Now, if you go back and forth online for too long you jeopardize losing a guys interest.
Unless you are Sophia Vergara, get to the date ASAP, and figure out quickly if you would be willing to say "yes" to a 2nd date.
The more you play the game the guy wants to play instead of the game you want to play, the easier you are to date. The easier you are to date, the more excited a guy is to pursue you. Make it too hard and most men will give up.
Which leads me to your next rebuttal, "Shouldn't I be waiting for the guy who doesn't give up?"
The answer is yes, but if you make it too hard, you may be waiting a long time. Now, I am not asking you to bow to his ever need, but I am asking you, now that you know how he thinks, perhaps make his life a little easier. Remove a man's chance of rejection and he will be one happy man. A happy man is a man who is going to pursue you, cherish you, and make you feel special.
